by Stacia Friedman

My good friend and political expert, Justin Case, told me that Republican presidential candidates have mandated that all refugees to the U.S. be able to pass the following multiple-choice test of Judeo-Christian Values.

• The Constitution guarantees the right to: A) Equal pay for women; B) Drive a car that you won’t own for five years; C) Buy a gun online and shoot up a movie theater.

• America affirms the sanctity of life by: A) Threatening to close down Planned Parenthood; B) Pricing life-saving drugs beyond the reach of most patients; C) Providing affordable healthcare and medication just across the border in Canada and Mexico.

• In America, anyone can grow up to become President except: A) A Muslim; B) A Buddhist; C) A Jew named Bernie.

• America became the world’s leading economy in its first 100 years due to the institution of: A) Prayer; B) Free Enterprise; C) Slavery.

• America owes a debt of gratitude to: A) The Chinese for bankrolling us; B) Native Americans for giving us all their land under the threat of mass genocide; C) Israel for sharing their intelligence regarding Mideast terrorism; D) All of the above.

• America refused to let Jewish Holocaust refugees into the U.S. because: A) There were already enough delis from sea to shining sea; B) They were afraid that stale challah would be smuggled into the country; C) They thought Jews would be a lot happier in a desert surrounded by warring Arab tribes that want to kill them.

• The most important American holiday is: A) Thanksgiving; B) Christmas; C) The Fourth of July; D) The day you receive your tax refund.

• Patriotic Americans always: A) Stand up when they sing the National Anthem. B) Take their hats off in church; C) Disrobe when going through airport security; D) Carry concealed weapons when shopping in malls.

• Women in America are free to: A) Drive cars while talking on cell phones and applying mascara; B) Surgically enlarge their breasts to the size of cantaloupes; C) Have abortions in every state as long as they use a coat hanger and don’t spend anyone’s tax dollars; D) All of the above.

• Congress has responded to the fact that an average of 31 Americans are murdered by guns everyday by: A) Telling those 31 individuals to stay home; B) Encouraging elementary school teachers to arm themselves; C) Kicking the gun lobbies out of the Capital; D) Enacting sane gun legislation; E) Pretending that the bigger threat to our well-being are Syrian refugees on the other side of the world.

Stacia Friedman is a Mt. Airy resident, author and satirist (obviously) who is afraid to enter New Jersey for fear that Governor Chris Christie may decide to sit on her.