by Jim Harris

Honey, I’m nuts! This is the cry being heard in households all across the country as Americans begin taking the new federally mandated “Home Insanity Test.” It’s all done online, and the results come back immediately. It is but the latest in a series of as yet unsuccessful attempts to keep guns out of the hands of crazy people in the U.S.

According to J. Edgar Hooterville, director of the Federal Bureau of Insanity, the early results of the tests are indicating some surprising trends. “Based on returns so far,” he said at a recent press conference, “our projection is that about 99% of the people in this country are insane. The other one percent are what we call ‘enablers.’ In retrospect, I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that this is the case in a nation where peanut butter comes with instructions and has a 1-800 number for those who are still confused.

“Nonetheless, we must accept the fact that lunatics are indeed running the asylum. It’s just like that French movie, ‘King of Hearts,’ from the 1960s. Does anyone know what I’m talking about? No? Well anyway, since it now appears that everyone who owns a firearm is crazy, including myself, there’s really not much point in trying to take anyone’s guns away. It just wouldn’t make sense; right? We will, however, be initiating a number of government programs designed to protect and serve our armed populace.

“Weekends will be officially designated ‘Don’t Leave the House’ days. This should cut down on shootings outside of the immediate family. In general, people will be encouraged to stay home as much as possible. They can watch brutal, gory shows on TV and play violent video games to satisfy their aggressive tendencies.

“We will also be publishing a pamphlet entitled ‘101 things to do when a loved one gets shot.’” For example:

• Tip #3 ‘Get more guns for yourself.’ To facilitate this, they have eliminated the waiting period for all gun purchases (why bother?), although the waiting period for tattoos will remain in effect.

• Tip #47 ‘Write to your Congressman’ (if she hasn’t already been shot) and request more armed guards in public places, including guards guarding the guards. Make sure you tell the Congessman that this is exactly the kind of ‘Mexican standoff’ society in which you want to live and raise your family.

“We have also produced a video, ‘My First Gun,’ in which the popular Muppet Elmo talks to kids about the importance of the Second Amendment. In it, he sings, “Don’t tread on me,” about how protecting gun rights is much more important than getting a good education. As Elmo so eloquently puts it, ‘Which rallies get more people — Save Our Schools or the NRA’s Save Our Guns?’

“In addition, we are making available for a nominal fee, our ‘Do-it-Yourself Mourning Kit,’ which includes candles, teddy bears, Mylar balloons, black crepe frames (for photos of your deceased loved ones) and a CD of inspirational hymns (or, for atheists, sad folk songs). Available in 17 different languages.

For those of you who have not yet taken the Home Insanity Test, here’s a quick overview of the quiz:

• Part A is designed to identify people who are paranoid. To make things easier for the vast majority of folks who can’t spell, these questions are all ‘true or false.’ Only check one.

True or false:

• Robots are watching you.

• Aliens are taking over the country.

• There’s poison in your food, air and water.

• Government agents are monitoring your communications.

OK, all of these are actually true, so it doesn’t matter which box you check. If you weren’t paranoid already, this should push you over the edge.

• Part B determines your personality type. You may answer ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ ‘yes and no’ or ‘what the hell are you talking about?’

Do you:

• Hate people who have different lifestyles, disagree with you or support opposing sports teams?

• Believe that global warming and evolution are Commie hoaxes?

• Think that the universe revolves around you and your needs?

• Eat a lot of bacon?

Of course, the test results are still being tabulated, but for all intents and purposes, the verdict is already in: if you are over 18, of sound mind and live in America, you must be nuts.