The gigantic bugs at Morris Arboretum, like this praying mantis, have inspired Jim to begin eating an all-insect diet. (But the praying mantis has not inspired him to begin praying.) — Photo by J. Schulz

by Jim Harris

The United Nations wants you to eat bugs. According to a recent U.N. report, “The current world population of 7.2 billion is projected to increase by one billion over the next 12 years, and the emerging middle classes are increasingly demanding more protein.”

This presents a problem since, for most people, protein means meat, and the amount of land required to raise farm animals and grow their feed is becoming prohibitive. Plus, it’s been proven that animal agriculture contributes significantly to climate change, air pollution, deforestation and the reduction of biodiversity.

The report touted bugs as not just a means of feeding people sustainably but also as an economic opportunity for poor and urban people in the form of “mini-livestock.” The bugs could be fed on “organic waste streams.” If the sound of that bothers you, it should.

And if you find the thought of eating insects repulsive, consider this — you’re eating them now. The USDA says it’s impossible to eliminate insects from the human food chain. They have therefore established permissible insect levels in all the foods we eat. I have to wonder who actually checks this and how?

The U.N. report also points out that it is mainly Western households that need to get over their fear of bugs and start thinking of them less as a nuisance and more as a cheap source of nutrition. With the increasing power of the U.N. and the globalization of world government, this bug-eating, anti-Western mandate paints a disturbing picture of a possible future for us that might look something like this:

September, 2019: “Good evening. I’m Jim Gardner. On Action News tonight: U.N. planes strike more meat restaurants in Philadelphia, including The Rib Crib, The Baby Back Shack, The Wing Thing, The Beak Boutique, The Jerk Hut, Gizzard Gulch and Harry’s House of Haggis. And our reporter Monica Shapely is on the scene in Chestnut Hill where one family was terrorized overnight by U.N. troops. Monica?”

“Thanks Jim. Around 3 a.m., U.N. soldiers kicked in the door of this modest 40-room mansion, yelling ‘Where’s the beef?’ and ‘How do you get your protein?’ They found the terrified owner of the house in the bathroom, trying to flush a pound of ground beef down the toilet. The entire family was arrested and sent to The Hague to be tried for crimes against humanity.

“As you know, there have been rumors that the U.S. government is arming the beef-loving rebel forces, even though President Hillary Clinton has publicly declared that the U.S. is fully willing to embrace bug-eating as a way of life. ‘Honest,’ she said at yesterday’s press conference, ‘It’s on our list of things to do right after converting to the metric system.’ That’s it from Chestnut Hill, Jim. I have to go now, I hear planes overhead.”

November, 2020: After a bitter struggle, The U.S. has given up and switched to an all-insect diet. Americans no longer have a problem thinking of grubs as grub or mealworms as a meal. Everyone seems happy. That is, except for the exterminator’s union. They’re upset because now everyone just eats bugs found around the house.

On Thanksgiving, families gather around the holiday centipede (“Who wants a few legs?”), and every Sunday guys watch football on TV while chowing down on hot beetle wings and Kentucky Fried Larvae. On Germantown Avenue, giant billboards ask, “Got Bugs?” The Acme sells Roach-A-Roni and Lice Krispies. The new restaurants on The Hill are La Cucaracha, The Ant Farm, and Casa Cicada. Popular dishes include the pupa platter and apple spider.

Personally, I converted to vegetarianism 40 years ago, so I’m not about to start eating bugs. When the revolution comes, hopefully I’ll be able to dine on foods like veggie buggers, tofu termites and mock mantis. But for you carnivores out there, it’s going to be a whole new can of worms.

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