It’s been said that at some point in every well-lived life, there comes a time to fully take stock of oneself. To gaze long in the mirror and critically assess the reflection staring back. To doggedly and unflinchingly scrutinize one’s accomplishments, defeats, roads less taken, and so forth.

As this sounds painful and also boring, I’ve elected to sidestep the whole reflection and doggy-thing and simply compare myself to someone else as my calibration of self-worth. Go head-to-head, so to speak. Or as the French say, mano a mano … possibly the Spanish.

But whom to choose? Let’s pick someone so well-known that they go by only one name. To that end, I might phone screen Leo, Bono and Sting over the weekend and whittle the list down to just one. Except that I’m planning on rotating my tires on Saturday. Actually, the shop is planning on doing the rotating, I’m just the bagman. And Sunday is the one day each week when I completely cut loose, and so I might be cleaning out the garbage disposal or checking smoke alarm batteries. The weekend is definitely out.

With all that in mind and to get this thing off the ground, I’ve selected Tom Cruise — and here’s why. First off, Tom and I have not met, so neither of us will have any preconceived notions about the other. Aside from the multitude of articles, TV interviews and films featuring one of us. Secondly, the other Tom has retired from football — for real this time, no takebacks — so there is no confusion about which “Tom” we are talking about. And lastly, frankly, because I think I’ve got a real shot at coming out on top.

I will be using five categories in this assessment, carefully chosen to consider a broad range of factors (see “real shot” above). Let the games begin!

Finances:We both presumably have positive bank balances (I just checked mine to be sure), so I’m thinking that this one is a tie. But maybe as a tiebreaker we should look at total assets. I’ll throw in two well-used automobiles and an IRA I haven’t contributed to since I first opened it. Unfortunately, Tom did not respond to my inquiries into details about his personal finances, but I’ll cut him some slack and declare that he is the victor here. Nevertheless, I want a do-over after his remake of Mr. Bean comes out next year.

Focus: Not to brag, but I’m fairly adept at repetitively doing the same thing over and over, again and again, in a repeated fashion, recurringly. And I have the strong discipline and willpower necessary to not get sidetracked by curiosity or ambition. Tom, on the other hand, has no such self-control and constantly wanders off to become expert in fields well beyond his chosen profession. Pilot, sky and scuba diver, executive, rock climber, investor … the list is endless. Clearly, I have the edge over Tom when it comes to staying in my lane.

Age: This is another easy win as I’m senior to Tom by several years. And, unless I’m doing the math wrong, I don’t believe he’ll be able to catch up anytime soon.

Fame: While some of the people I work with on a daily basis have heard of me, and a few of those might acknowledge knowing me if pressed. I’ll begrudgingly have to give this one to Tom. It turns out that he has actually been on more magazine covers than I have (hundreds vs. 0), starred in more movies (50+ vs. 0), and even has more experience publicly testing furniture (Oprah vs. 0).

Stunts: By my count, we are all tied up going into the final round. Because we are both rough and tumble blokes, I’m going to take on Tom’s most famous stunts …

• In Mission Impossible (MI) 6, Tom acrobatically leaps from the top of one building to another and, although he goes the distance, breaks an ankle in the process. Similarly, I got an ouchy when I hopped barefoot across a small puddle in the driveway and stubbed a toe.

• In MI4, Mr. Cruise daringly climbs the side of the world’s tallest building, Burj Khalifa — which tops out at over 2,700 feet — and is exposed to fierce winds and a blazing sun (also a rapidly approaching CGI sandstorm!). Not to be outdone, I clean the leaves out of my gutters standing near the top of a very old ladder, sometimes with a light breeze blowing.

• MI5 has Tom Cruise hanging on to dear life on the side of an airplane while it taxis and takes off into the wild blue yonder. I’ve also had my fair share of transportation incidents and once got my jacket caught in a car door and had to fast-walk a couple feet before I could get the driver’s attention.

• In MI7, Tom courageously rides a speeding motorcycle along a rocky path and hurtles off a cliff into a deep ravine. The one and only time I went mountain biking, I lost control on a beginner path and crashed into a utility pole, which saved me from plunging into a large river. I note that Tom had a parachute to rescue him whereas I only had my wits. And a utility pole.

While some people might be tempted to judge this last category in favor of the person who is not me, I believe other people subconsciously recognize the subtleties involved and agree with my line of thought that it is super, super close and truly a very tough call to make.

In the end, however, I will concede that Tom, overall and with many disclaimers, has the slightest of edges and, at least today if not this afternoon only, should be declared the general winner if one needs to declare such a thing. Which I’m not sure one does despite my earlier enthusiasm for this whole undertaking.

I will take solace from the fact that I am an extremely close second, and very possibly a first on occasion — perhaps when Tom is sleeping, if he does that sort of thing — and therefore my life is successful and does, in fact, possess meaning. For any suggestions to the contrary, note that I have turned off all public commentary postings as I think we’ve done enough taking stock for one day.

(D.W. Palmer is a humorist from West Norriton and writes about the lighter side of the human experience. He regrets that he didn’t choose Sting.)