Bigfoot is back, baby!

A rare sighting with riveting video was captured by eagle-eyed travelers riding the Durango & Silverton Narrow Gauge Railroad in southwest Colorado across a sun-drenched landscape. The Bigfoot Confirmation Checklist came in at 100% positive: Big (yes!), Hairy (yes!), and Blurry (yes!).

And as important as it is to finally have the missing link video affirmation we’ve all been waiting for, there’s an even bigger story to tell. That’s right, something even more incredible than the undeniable proof that Sasquatch dwells among us. It turns out that our Colorado friend wasn’t just tooling around the countryside, he was tooling around in style wearing sunglasses. Sunglasses!!

The enormity of this discovery cannot be understated. For one, it’s clearly a huge evolutionary milestone to go from the No-Shades Bigfoot Era to the Cool-Shades Bigfoot Era. And to witness this solar adaptation within our own lifetime is deeply humbling. Also, the fit looks perfect, indicating a sophisticated mind which utilizes both form and function to create a fashion-forward presentation.

Darwin and DKNY proven right again!

Now, to be sure, there are still a few critical scientific questions to be answered. The most notable being: Maui Jims or Ray-Bans? Gut feel, I’m gonna have to go with Ray-Bans as the Yeti swag of choice. Moreover, after digging around, I found a “Sasquatch with Sunglasses” image on Etsy clearly sporting Ray-Bans. If that isn’t unassailable proof, I frankly don’t know what is.

Another critical question is about where the Big Lug acquired scratch to pay for shades. Does he have a job, for example, and earn a living wage? Has he inherited greenbacks from a distant, hair-encumbered relative? Or does he simply mug unsuspecting visitors to our national parks?

For unrelated answers, let’s now turn to official Bigfoot institutions for their insights.

The Bigfoot Discovery Museum describes a Bigfoot olfactory experience as follows: “Imagine a skunk that had rolled around in dead animals and had hung around the garbage pits.” I think I’ll not imagine that right now, or quite possibly any time in the future.

The Discover Bigfoot Fan Group, listed as a “supportive group of Sasquatch enthusiasts,” is currently mute on the recent sightings but not so on the many rules for member behavior. Including Rule 4, which states “Swearing is allowed.” Always helpful to see this in writing but perhaps unnecessary — It’s truly hard to envision a gathering of Bigfoot devotees where cussing isn’t a common form of communication.

The Native Oklahoma Bigfoot Research Organization has offered up a method to categorize sightings. Class A reports are visual sightings. Class B is where someone heard sounds or found footprints. A Class C report means that something Bigfoot left behind was found. I don’t really want to dwell on what that Class C “something left behind” might be, so let’s quickly move on.

The Sasquatch Genome Project laments, “It has been a long and tedious battle to prove that Sasquatch exists.” As I understand it, they are not yet being taken seriously by academia, scientific journals, unscientific journals, ghost hunters, or the local Rotary Club. Hang in there Sasquatch Genome Project, your time is now at hand! But may I suggest moving your project team closer to Sunglass Hut?

And, finally, this from the Sasquatch Expedition Campers: “We, The Sasquatch Crew, feel compelled to address recent allegations and rumors that have been circulating, suggesting our involvement in the train sighting. We want to make it unequivocally clear: It wasn’t us.” Wow! The Crew has devised a very clever business strategy to distance themselves from the biggest, baddest, Bigfoot breakthrough in the last century, while also potentially casting doubt about the competition. It is unexpected and has a sort of New Coke vibe to it. Well played, Sasquatch Expedition Campers!

To wrap things up, let me say how excited I am by the news confirming we are not alone. Bigfoot exists and is in Colorado. He is currently giving Nessie a run for her money in popularity and I anticipate a movie deal in the near future. And now that the Pentagon has fessed up about UFOs, I propose we repurpose “SETI” to “YETI” and really get to know our hefty, hazy neighbors.

I will conclude with the hallowed words of the Bigfoot Beer Drinking Club: “We believe in Bigfoot and Beer!”

D.W. Palmer is a humorist from West Norriton and writes about the lighter side of the human experience. He has big feet, too.