by JIM HARRIS
I’m proud to announce the launching of my latest venture, “Jim Magazine.” It will be the men’s personal growth guide for the new century. It will give men all the tools they need to explore and express their individual styles and make choices that will lead to a more fulfilling life. It will offer compelling stories and empowering ideas on a wide variety of subjects, including:
•Fashion: “How can oval-shaped men keep their pants from falling down?” Strategies include suspenders, pants glue and postures to avoid.
•Wellness: “Can I remove warts using power tools?” “Is it safe to use RustOleum on my face?” “How to survive Viagra Falls” “More women who are afraid of the after-effects of the contraceptive pill have gone back to the old-fashioned means of birth control — not shaving their legs.” “The basic unit of laryngitis is one hoarsepower.”
•Music reviews: “New 3-CD set of all-time favorite ballpark organ songs.” “One million-million microphones equals one megaphone.”
•Do it yourself projects: “Build your own drones.” “Practice self-psychiatry.” “Chestnut Hill man painted his car camouflage, and now it’s missing.”
•Outdoor recreation and sports: “Chasing tornadoes on foot.” “Bigfoot-hunting in the Wissahickon.” “For NFL fans who don’t like all of the violent hits, there is a new video: ‘The NFL’s Greatest Kneel-Downs.’” “If you want to meet a polar bear, you first have to break the ice.” “A snowfall in Beijing last month was so bad, officials were forced to use snow plows to run over dissidents.”
•Local news exclusives: “Hog-caller jumps off Henry Avenue Bridge in apparent case of sooey-cide.” “A thief pulled off a robbery at Sugar House Casino. He stole cash, checks and all-you-can-eat crab legs.” “Chestnut Hill man learns that all of his frequent flyer miles were used up by his lost luggage.” “Local police officer has sex on the hood of his police car. Afterwards, the woman charges him with speeding.”
•Etiquette: “Do I need to say ‘Thank you’ after making whoopee?” (A. Only if you’re with another person.)
•Interviews with interesting neighbors: “103-year-old local man still uncommunicative and crabby after all these years.” “The ‘Bug Whisperer’; he reasons with insects!” “Chestnut Hill man is given a lifetime underachievement award.” “My dog was a mutt, but I told him he could be anything he wanted to be if he tried hard enough, so he tried really hard, and now he’s become a German Shepherd.” “Home-schooled student in Wyndmoor is suspended.”
•Lifestyles: “Shopping for the right tattoo.” “How to fluff a pillow.” “Conversation skills: how to say something when you have nothing to say.” “Furnish your entire house with beach chairs.” “Mt. Airy man struggles with alcohol, mostly with getting the bottles open.”
•Food: “Which cheese steak stands will serve you if you don’t speak English.” “New bistro in town, ‘The Inn of the Three Stooges,’ serves Curly fries, Pie a la Moe, and Larry-hair pasta.” “New, bigger TV dinners for people with wide-screen TV sets.” “Men are rioting in England because they discovered that all of their sandwiches had cucumbers in them.” “2000 pounds of Chinese soup equals won ton.”
•Girl-watching tips: “Those lady ice skaters are gorgeous, and with all the twirling and leaping they do, it’s just a matter of time until one of their costumes accidentally flies off, so keep watching, guys!”
•Lists: “100 great dog names.” “99 ways to avoid dancing, gardening or anything.” “122 sex moves that every man should know.” (Don’t panic, men; just kidding. Your standard repertoire of two moves is more than enough to keep even the most demanding women happy.)
All in all, Jim Magazine will serve as a catalyst for transforming men’s lives. It will be published monthly, printed in two colors (that’s all men can distinguish anyway) and sold at fine stores everywhere. Retailers, please note, if your store is not fine, my magazine will MAKE it fine!