by Jim Harris
Haven’t the media exploited the death of Osama bin Laden enough already? Well no, not quite. There are still some important facts about how this momentous event is impacting our country, and they need to be revealed by the let-it-all-hang-out press:
•Sharks in the Atlantic Ocean have been seen by cruise ship passengers to be throwing up pieces of bin Laden. Apparently, even the sharks cannot digest him.
•Word on the street has it that several cereal companies have offered millions for the rights to put dead bin Laden photos on their cereal boxes. The administration has thus far refused, saying that the pictures are too graphic to be released (even though you can see more gore in almost any movie playing in theaters right now).
•A new TV reality show called “USA; We Don’t Play” is in the works in which teams of wacky armed American civilians race around the globe trying to assassinate unpleasant foreigners and win prizes.
•NBC will be launching a new nightly show, “Deathwatch,” which will keep track of which ultra-bad guys are still dead (Hitler, Stalin, Tojo, Nero, Caligula, Mussolini, Franco, Idi Amin, bin Laden, etc.) and which ones (Moammar Khadafy, etc.) are still on the government’s hit list.
•Not to be left behind on the P.R. gravy train, the White House just announced it would begin holding daily briefings on the ramifications of bin Laden’s death. Here’s an excerpt from yesterday’s briefing:
White House spokesman: “al Qaeda will almost certainly be taking retaliatory action against American interests.”
Reporter: “You mean like potato chip factories and McDonald’s restaurants?”
Reporter: “How worried should we be?”
Spokesman: “Like if your pants were on fire. We’re going to issue an amber alert warning all Americans to avoid junk food and fast-food restaurants.”
The spokesman went on to say that the CIA located bin Laden by running a series of phony internet ads like “Meet other murdering bastards in your town,” “Meet hot women in or near Pakistan with their faces covered” and “Osama; three former high school classmates are searching for you on ClassReunion.com.”
“Once we determined his address,” the spokesman said, “the Navy Seals dropped into his compound, even though they were not really former high school classmates. He made a sudden move, so they shot him. Of course, they would have shot him anyway, but it’s generally not a good idea to make sudden moves around Navy Seals.”
•I noticed that, surprisingly, no one has assessed the effect of bin Laden’s death on American cats. I therefore did a highly scientific survey. I studied my cats for the better part of an hour (until my wife turned on the vacuum cleaner, and they all ran away), and they didn’t seem any different. So no, cats are definitely not affected by bin Laden’s demise.
•As far as the eighth district city council candidates are concerned, bin Laden’s death will have no effect on them, either. In fact, terrorists have concluded that the city’s Democratic Party apparatus is doing a better job than they could of destroying the community. They also lost interest when they discovered that the rest of the world doesn’t know we exist. They found that this is probably the safest big city on the planet, unless of course you have to leave your house.
•Speaking of our part of the city, the Chestnut Hill Local was stopping people on the street last week and asking pedestrians what they thought about bin Laden’s death. I walked by the Local’s reporters 17 times, but I couldn’t get them to stop me, so I’m just going to express my opinions here:
•First of all, I think the U.S. should have kept quiet about the whole affair and left it to al Qaeda to announce that bin Laden had been killed. Then, when the news broke, the President could have matter-of-factly said, “Oh yeah, we whacked the scumbag. Did we forget to mention that?” Cool, or what?
•Also, I suspect that the government is secretly holding on to Osama’s body so that they can shoot it out of a cannon during halftime at the Super Bowl while Taylor Swift sings “God Bless the USA.”
•Call me a sentimental old fool, but I still long for the good old days, like when the CIA was hatching plans to make Fidel Castro’s beard fall out by injecting a chemical into his cigars. Nowadays, we storm into a terrorist’s bedroom and fill him full of lead in front of his family. It’s actually easier and cheaper than making your beard fall out, but somehow, to me it seems so un-original.
Oh well, that’s modern life, I guess. Let’s all just enjoy our freedoms while we can. Have a nice day, and remember, don’t make any sudden moves.