Mt. Airy Rivers hoping to bring smooth sailing to couples

by Len Lear
Posted 9/25/20

Max Rivers, 69, Mt. Airy resident since 2003 who operates The Marriage Mediation (formerly Two Rivers mediation) and whose wife, Elise, runs Community Acupuncture of Mt. Airy (CAMA), is author of the …

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Mt. Airy Rivers hoping to bring smooth sailing to couples

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Max Rivers, 69, Mt. Airy resident since 2003 who operates The Marriage Mediation (formerly Two Rivers mediation) and whose wife, Elise, runs Community Acupuncture of Mt. Airy (CAMA), is author of the book, “Loving Conflict: A New Alternative to Couples Counseling,” which is designed to teach couples who are “tired of having the same old argument” how to mediate their own relationships. We interviewed Rivers recently about his book, marriage mediation, the pandemic, etc.:

  • Have you been doing much mediation via Zoom?

When my book was published in 2018, it sold worldwide, so I decided to shift my whole business to online. (I had been seeing the majority of my clients in person at our Mt. Airy home.) I had to switch to a time-zone savvy appointment system (appointy.com) because calculating what time it is in Australia for an appointment at 7 p.m. on Tuesday here (9 a.m. tomorrow is the answer) was too confusing. And I bought a Zoom license, and from that point on, did all my sessions over Zoom, even locals.”

  • Are you seeing more stress with couples who are together almost 24/7 because of the pandemic?

I believe that is the case, but for some reason I'm not seeing it in my practice. It could be that because of the secondary financial stress the pandemic is causing, they are just trying to work it out themselves. What I am seeing are a lot of new couples who finally have the time to do some research and find the alternative help they were wanting for their relationships. So lots more young couples who used the internet to find my site, watch my videos and even buy and read my book before booking an appointment.”

  • How has “Loving Conflict” done?

I'm very happy with the book's sales and impact. I was told that writing a book is the new business card, and in fact, I've been getting a lot of clients because of the book.”

  • What are the most common reasons for marriage difficulties?

In my opinion, people are drawn to someone who has a particular difference that they need to complete themselves. That difference attracts us in the beginning, when both parties are open-hearted and open-minded but pickles into conflict when the infatuation period ends, and we stop meeting each other's needs without being asked. Now that difference, instead of being the raison d'être of the relationship, becomes the 'problem.' Most couple's first response to this 'bad' difference, is to try to change their partner to be more like themselves. This is almost always a disaster because it causes the partner to (rightly) feel judged as not right or good enough, and so thy dig their heels in and attack back … So more than half of marriages end in divorce, usually after an average of seven years. But since the difference was what the relationship was about, both parties then go and find another person with those same differences, and it starts all over again, only faster. Second marriages end after an average of two-and-a-half years and third marriages sooner than that!”

  • Is complete honesty necessary for a healthy relationship, or should some things just be kept secret?

There isn't one answer to this question, except maybe: The amount to tell another person about yourself is the amount they want to hear, not the amount you want to tell. Every relationship is different because every person is different in terms of how much transparency they actually want (regardless of what they may think about what they want). Some relationships opt for 'don't ask, don't tell,' which generally means 'what I don't know won't hurt me.'"

  • What is your advice for women with empty-nest syndrome because their children are grown up and have gone off to school, gotten married, etc.?

The way I see this play out is that when the youngest child is about two years from leaving the nest, the woman starts to resurrect her own desires, which she has put on hold to devote her whole attention to child rearing. These desires are often 10 or 20 years on hold and arise with a fury which terrifies her husband, who is now middle-aged and devoted (or trapped) in a whole-attention-sucking job. The man thinks he's going to get a chance to rest once the children leave, but instead he finds the mommy of the family is regressing back into a sexual, passionate youth. That difference takes a lot of letting go of expectations and discovering if there is still a marriage of the minds to be had here.”

  • What is the hardest thing you have ever done?

Healed a broken heart.”

  • If you could meet and spend time with one person, living or dead, who would it be and why?

Gandhi. His life has inspired mine.”

For more information, visit TheMarriageMediation.net. Len Lear can be reached at lenlear@chestnuthilllocal.com