He’s ‘Not Gay’ (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

Posted 10/19/18

Perry Block is a humorous essayist, but please keep in mind that he is not gay (even though he was attracted to an “older dude” who looked like the actor Donald Sutherland (seen …

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He’s ‘Not Gay’ (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

Posted

Perry Block is a humorous essayist, but please keep in mind that he is not gay (even though he was attracted to an “older dude” who looked like the actor Donald Sutherland (seen here)!)[/caption]

by Perry Block

These days I’m trying to figure out how I want to look now that I’m an older guy. You see, I’ve begrudgingly accepted the fact that at age 67 I simply no longer have it within my power to be cute.

I can’t affect cute; I can’t imitate cute, and I can’t in any manner conjure up or implore cute. True, I can think cute, and I can even act cute, but I can never again BE CUTE!

So I’m spending a lot of time checking out other guys my age in an effort to figure out whom I may best repackage myself into resembling.

It’s a daunting task.

And when you tend to spend your time staring at a lot of men, well, some may quite naturally think you’re looking to find a partner for Sunday brunch with waffles and ice cream followed by an afternoon of antiquing.

“That’s not a bad looking man,” I thought to myself the other day while gazing at an older dude who looked a bit like the actor Donald Sutherland. “Yep, distinguished gray beard, professorial look and … uh, oh … I think he just winked at me!”

“Hi,” said the professorial chap as he cheerily approached. “Couldn’t help but notice you looking me over!”

“Oh, uh, hi,” I said. “I have to tell you I’m not gay.”

“Nor am I,” said pseudo Sutherland. “I just didn’t want to disappoint you.”

Didn’t want to disappoint me?

No, Hawkeye, I only want to resemble you, not ride you like a steer!

A bit later I began scrutinizing a rather regal looking oldster with intriguing facial structure and well-groomed hair, kind of like a less dissipated Malcolm McDowell. He gave me a quizzical look, then a smile.

“I’m not gay,” I assured him as he sidled on up to me. “I just wanted to see if maybe I could affect cheekbones like yours with a bit of makeup.”

“Don't be upset, my friend,” he replied warmly. “I AM gay. Very nice to meet you!”

“Oh … oh … good!” I stammered. “Umm … meeting any nice gay guys lately?"

Unflappable as always.

“I’m flattered you want to look like me,” he said, “but you shouldn’t worry. You look just fine.”

Not only did he turn out to be a very nice person, he even let me take his picture so I could show it to my hair stylist. I really DO hope he meets a lot of nice gay guys going forward.

Frankly I’ve just got to get better at all this surreptitious scrutinizing.

Hey, check out that handsome guy over there. Looks like the older Cary Grant!

Keep in mind that I’m not gay.

Hmm. Wonder if he’s a good dancer.

Perry Block is an occasional contributor to the Local and the author of “Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute,” a group of humorous essays published by Humor Outcasts Press. It is available at www.perryblock.com and at the Big Blue Marble Bookstore in Mt. Airy Village.

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