by Jim Harris
As a public service to all of my fellow non-political animals, I will now weigh in on the 2015 Philadelphia Democratic mayoral candidates based solely on superficial considerations. (The election is next Tuesday, May 19)I personally had my political glands removed in 1968, but I still vote because there are often free donuts at the polling place.
• Jim Kenney: He looks like a bird. Lots of people do. Bradley Cooper looks like an owl, and he’s a movie star. I just don’t think it’s a good look for a mayor. So I won’t vote for this guy, even though his name is Jim, and I often vote for people named Jim.
• Anthony Williams: He seems a tad dull. That’s probably because he works in Harrisburg, the dullest city in America. I seem to remember that his dad, State Senator Hardy Williams, had a righteous Afro back in the ‘70s, which I count as a plus. On the other hand, I’ve noticed that he spends a lot of time talking about jobs for minorities. Now, I’m not sure if I’m a minority – I might be – but I’ve spent my entire life trying to AVOID work, so I probably won’t vote for him.
• Lynne Abraham: She looks like my 8th grade teacher, Sister Saint Ephram, who was a very, very scary woman. People say she’s too old. Repeat after me, folks – Ronald Reagan. Okay, she fainted at the beginning of the May 5th debate. Maybe she didn’t feel prepared, so she faked it. But, come on, haven’t we all pretended to faint to avoid sticky situations like bar brawls, IRS audits, shotgun weddings, and such?
But even if she really did faint, it happened while Anthony Williams was speaking. Maybe he just has that effect on people. I would probably have found it difficult to remain conscious myself. To her credit, she didn’t say, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.” Bottom line, she loves animals, she helped bring nutcase Ira Einhorn to justice – I will vote for her.
• Nelson Diaz: He resembles Cheech…or is it Chong? I always get them mixed up. Anyway, he’s a very nice gentleman. When Lynne Abraham fainted, he was the only person who helped her up. The other four candidates just stood there peering down at her like Mount Rushmore. But is Philly ready for a bilingual mayor? Will he be able to get served at Geno’s Steaks? That’s a requirement. Also, he has a New York accent. If he wants to win the hearts of Philadelphians, he needs to be able to say things like, “Yo, caniva glassa wooder?” (“Can I have a glass of water?”). In any event, I like him, and I plan to vote for him, too.
• Milton Street: He’s older than Lynne Abraham, but no one’s saying he’s too old. Maybe that’s because his age is overshadowed by his weirdness. Or maybe it’s because man-years are calculated differently than female-years. If he were blue, he’d look exactly like the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street, which is good, since “Street” is already in his name, and plus he could get the blue people’s vote.
• Doug Oliver: He’s young, he’s smart, he’s energetic. So that’s three strikes against him right there. He’s also extremely internet-savvy. He tweets, he re-tweets, he Instagrams and DMs, whatever that means. When I went on his website, it wouldn’t let me leave until I agreed to become a volunteer. I think he might be a kind of svengali, capable of mind control. He keeps asking the voters to “trust” him. Whenever a candidate utters the words, “Trust me,” run like hell.
So I’ll be voting for Lynne Abraham AND Nelson Diaz. Don’t ask me how, I can’t tell you. One caveat: I will vote for ANYONE who promises to get rid of all the “regattas” on the Schuylkill. For the mono-lingual among you, “regatta” is an Italian word meaning “Rich kids in rowboats closing down a major Philadelphia thoroughfare.” I don’t care how much money, if any, their out-of-town parents spend in the city, I don’t want to spend every weekend this summer stuck in traffic. Happy voting.