by Jim Harris

The holidays can be a very lonely time. Not that many Christmases ago, I was alone and crying in my eggnog. I’d like to share some of my experiences and observations to help others avoid the pitfalls of looking for a mate.

I saw an ad online that said “Speed dating is a great way to meet lots of new people in a quick, fun, no-pressure environment,” so I signed up for a speed dating party for folks over 50. Now you might think that older singles would be more mature, but frankly, some of them had more baggage than the Titanic. The speed dating process consisted of a rapid series of 5-minute tête-à-têtes with a succession of women, each one more insane than the next.

• One woman had a shaved, tattooed head. Another had a waxed unibrow. One wore a wig with the price tag still hanging off it. Most of them, though, had great hair. In fact, it usually seemed like their hair was way too good for them and would have looked better on someone else. One was wearing two pairs of glasses. She said she could see through walls.

• One lady, who went by the name Yo-yo Mama, told me that she took diet pills to curb her appetite, but that she then got depressed because she had no appetite, so she took pills for depression, but they made her hungry so she had to take more diet pills.

• Another woman kept blurting out random words and phrases. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, “After that time I dried my hair in the microwave, I discovered that I could no longer remember the years 1968 to 1984. My doctor told me to try Ginkgo Biloba. Now I can’t stop remembering stuff. I just suddenly figured out the “Jumble” for July 12, 1972. Oh, and now I realize that the answer to the final question in my 1980 beautician-school entrance exam was ‘aloe,’ not ‘turpentine.’ Damn!”

Sometimes when even five minutes of listening was more than I could stand, I would either pretend to fall asleep or fake a heart attack to extricate myself from the torment. So, if it sounds like speed dating is not for you, you could try meeting potential soul mates online. Let’s take a look at a few of the available men being offered up on dating websites.

• Hi. I’m Gunther. I’m a bio-ethicist. It’s like being on the Florida Citrus Advisory Board except that you’re talking about people instead of grapefruits. I have several notarized certificates of achievement, an honorary degree from Google and a license to read head bumps. I have a book coming out in the fall entitled “I Lied About Having a Book Coming Out in the Fall.” I speak 22 languages, and I know 12 different ways of walking. I am attempting to start a major new religion. It will have either many gods or a very tall god with two heads.

• Hello. My name is Fred. I am a self-taught colo-rectal surgeon. I am recognized by the American Board of Surgeons. They recognize me because they have taken me to court 13 times. I have a Bachelor of Farts degree from Flatulata College. My last book read was “Diseases of the Upper Bowel.” It was very moving.

• Hey! I’m Biff, an unemployed toaster repairman. I was recently notified by email that I had been selected to appear in the 2013 Edition of “Who’s Who in Nairobi,” but I couldn’t afford the $5,000 processing fee. I was also nominated as “one of the most influential women of 2012” even though I’m a man. I like the music on the weather channel. I don’t have any children, but I knew some when I was young. My long-range plan is to sell my organs to the highest bidder and use the money to have a really big funeral with celebrity entertainers.

• Greetings. I’m David. Serial number 48277331. Retired four-star general and former CIA Director. Would like to meet shapely women in the D.C. area. Must be able to take dictation and keep government secrets. No chubbies, pacifists or FBI agents. Last book read: “100 New Death Grips.”

So as you can see, ladies, the pickins are slim. I think your best chance for finding a good man might be by going to church. Not that there are many men in church, but while you’re there, you can pray for a miracle. Anyway, good luck, and Merry Christmas.

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