One thing that all teenagers and young adults must know: do not do drugs and then try to assemble a piece of Ikea furniture! the two things go together like chocolate and flounder.

by Jim Harris

Forty years ago, America’s “War on Drugs” was officially declared by President Richard M. Nixon, who was definitely NOT on drugs at the time (although he did look a bit sweaty and paranoid).

Anyway, a report just released from the Global Commission on Drug Policy (GCDP), a bland-leading-the-bland group that includes former Secretary of State George Schultz, former Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker and former UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, has concluded that the war on drugs “has not, and cannot, be won.” Volcker said he knows what it’s like to rebel against society’s norms because when he was in college, he went through a rebellious phase and experimented with drugs himself.

“I had a strange reaction after using drugs,” he said. “I thought to myself, ‘I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other … Then, fortunately, I found Jesus. He was in the trunk of my car when I got back from Tijuana.”

One of the many findings in the report is that 15 percent of all men who used drugs in the past three months have fallen out of bed during sex. And they were all alone at the time. Another finding is that women who use drugs prefer really old men because they can always show you a few new wrinkles.

In the course of doing research on the relationship between drugs and obesity, the researchers also discovered the master switch that controls obesity. It’s called a refrigerator light. They also discovered that people use more drugs when the economy is bad and that the worldwide economy is currently so bad that third graders in China are being forced to take second jobs. And last week Somali pirates hijacked a cruise ship just for the buffet.

The report cited several examples of the devastating consequences of heavy drug use. For example, in one case a drug user was found dead with 12 nails in his head. Police investigating the cause of the tragedy discovered that he had been trying to assemble two tables from Ikea.

The White House was quick to disagree with the findings of the report, citing the fact that in spite of all the government officials who may have used drugs, the overall number of Americans getting high is not getting higher.

The GCDP report suggests that government resources could be better used for the prevention and cure of the causes of addiction, rather than for putting drug users and small time dealers in jail, where they watch soap operas on TV, lift weights, play pool and cards, read lawbooks, enjoy three meals a day and earn college degrees, all at taxpayers’ expense.

Reaction to the report has been varied from different factions of the drug world. A group of drug cartel kingpins headed by Sergio “Mucho Loco” Valdez called a press conference to share their opinion on the report, then shot everyone in attendance, chopped off their heads and burned the building to the ground. This was generally interpreted by drug pundits as a “thumbs down.”

Response from the medical community has been more positive. Treatment centers are popping up all over, with an ever widening range of insurance-covered therapies, including: confrontational (they YELL AT YOU), cognitive, holistic, neo-pagan, do-it-yourself, mix ‘n’ match, 12-step, two-step and subliminal square dance.

Of course, reaction from confirmed drug users has been positively ecstatic. Randy Stoner, Head Honcho of “Drugs Are Fabulous For You” (DAFFY), recently spoke at the headquarters of the North American Recreational Chemicals Association (NARCO).

“It’s great to be here,” he said. “Anyone here NOT high?” (One reporter raised his hand.) “Well what are you waiting for, stodgy pants? Get on the groove train! Let me tell you something. Drugs don’t kill people; guns kill people. No, wait. People kill people, yeah, and paper covers rock, and scissors cut paper. Dig? That’s just how things roll, bro.”

All seriousness aside, at my age I’d rather have fireworks in my pillowcase than get involved with drugs. All that late-night driving, climbing tenement stairs, running from police, dodging bullets — I could never keep up. I’d be in thick gravy. That’s for the youngsters out there. (Just in case I do decide to do drugs, my wife is saving up to put me through hell.)

FYI, if you’d like to read the GCDP report (a real page-turner), you can download a copy at

Rest assured, no salesmen will call (except maybe a guy named “Sergio”).