February 7, 2008 Issue                                       

©2007 The Chestnut Hill Local

Advice for single men: how to find your Valentine
by JIM HARRIS

When it comes to bandying, no word is more bandied about than “love,” and love’s big day is, of course, Valentine’s Day. A little history is in order. Saint Valentine may or may not have been a martyr of ancient Rome. His birth date and birthplace are unknown, and nothing is known about his life. He was de-sainted in 1969. So much for the origins of the holiday.

Everyone knows that the real icon of Valentine’s Day is Cupid, the Roman god who determines our fate in matters of love. And really, who better equipped for such an important job than a naked, flying baby? Sometimes he is depicted as wearing a diaper, which actually isn’t a bad idea for a flying baby.

Valentine’s Day is also known as Male Guilt Day, since it is the day when all men are required to atone for their colossal unworthiness by presenting their partners with fancy, frilly items. Leading up to V-day, stores that sell things like potpourri and teddy bears are suddenly full of gruff, burly men looking like deer caught in the headlights as they clutch ornate cards with headings like “To my Dear Precious Darling Wife,” or “Our Love is Like an Artichoke.” A few men always panic and run out the door, but driven ever onward by primeval forces, most do complete the quest.

As difficult and painful as that quest is, Valentine’s Day is even rougher on those fellows who have no mates. I’m talking about the poor shlubs who haven’t bought any new clothes or cleaned their apartments in 20 years, which was probably the last time they had a date. As someone who has spent almost 30 years of his adult life as a bachelor, I have a few dubious tips to share with my lonesome brethren.

If you place a personals ad, mention that you like polka dots, rainbows, puppy dogs and walking in the rain. Try to use the phrase “God-fearing” in a sentence. Don’t mention kickboxing or dentures. Don’t say that you are an astronaut or a CIA agent unless it is true. Trust me, lies like that will come back to haunt you, and you could wind up as the subject of an Eyewitness News undercover investigation.

Don’t look for soul mates at the car-vacuuming place. Anyone who is that neat will vacuum you out of her life and deposit you in the dust bin of history before you’ve even had time to sit down.

Elevators in office buildings are good places to meet women. Once you get past security, you can ride up and down all day if you like. Wear a suit and pretend to talk about stock trading on your fake cell phone. Whenever possible, surreptitiously slip your business cards into women’s tote bags. If they do phone you, you’ll have about two minutes to win them over before they decide to call the police.

Here are several different types of pickup lines. Use them sparingly.

•Cute: “I’m sorry, but I had to stare at your butt. It’s in my ‘Contract with America’.”

•Impressive: “My colon is over five feet long.”

•Intellectual: “You know, I often reflect upon myself reflecting upon myself.”

•Obscene: “I missed The Love Train, so now I’m waiting for The Sex Train.”

When preparing for a date, don’t fuss too much over your hair. It’s bad if your hair looks better than the rest of you, but if your hair should spring a “wing,” cut the wing off. That will remove the offending hairs as well as discourage other hairs who might be contemplating similar behavior.

For God’s sake, if you’re an older guy with gray hair, don’t dye it jet black unless you want to look like your face is being sucked into a black hole. If you have already dyed it, just say that you’re starring in The Roy Orbison Story in community theater. Do not, under any circumstances, wax your mustache. Sporting this look is like telling the world, “I have taken a vow of celibacy.” You might as well go ahead and spit tobacco, too, because you’re not going to be doing any dating.

When dining out, avoid mustard. It will invariably find its way onto your clothes like squirrels onto a bird feeder. Don’t eat so much that you have to loosen your clothing, and don’t get drunk. If you wear glasses, make sure they fit properly. Glasses that fly off your face every time you turn your head can be a turnoff.

If your conversational tone is more like Curly of the Three Stooges than Barry White, then get yourself a book of sexy quotations and practice saying them in a non- Stooge-like manner. For example, lower your voice about two octaves and say, “You know, baby, love is like an artichoke.” Allow for a pregnant pause afterwards while you stare deeply into her eyes.

In the future you may be able to have yourself cloned and marry the clone. Then, if it doesn’t work out, you’ll only have yourself to blame. Until that time, however, we’ll all just have to look for mates in other, non-cloned human beings, and blame them when things don’t work out. Heads up! Here comes Cupid.

Jim Harris is a Germantown resident, professional musician and animal activist whose hobbies are hogging the bed at night, mailing big letters without sufficient postage and pressing harder on a remote control when he knows the batteries are going dead. You can teach him how to behave like an adult at jimbob@jimbobsjournal.com.