August 16, 2007 Issue                                       

©2007 The Chestnut Hill Local

Columnist finding himself up a tree — literally!
by JIM HARRIS

I’ve decided to live in a tree. Please, don’t try to stop me. I appreciate your concern for my safety, but I’ve been planning this for quite some time and I am well prepared to meet the challenges of tree life head on.

Timing is everything, and I’m convinced that by making this move now, I will gain maximum television coverage. I’ve been tracking media trends, and I feel that the whole ecology craze has reached its maximum degree of hotness right now. Believe me, as media attention goes, this is even bigger than the herpes scare of the 1980s. Everything is “green this,” “green that,” “global awareness,” ad infinitum.

Action News had a piece last week about some dowdy couple who lived without creating any trash. Ha! I laugh at their feeble attempts to gain notoriety. I will live without consuming, polluting or so much as leaving a single footprint upon the Earth. I will not impact upon the planet in any way unless I die and fall out of my tree (hopefully, in that order.)

I am taking “going green” to a whole new level. I fully expect to be on both the six and 11 o’clock news and Good Morning America. I will make those other so-called conservationists look like Chinese industrialists.

So I hope you’re listening, news directors. I have my eye on a tree at Germantown Avenue and Bethlehem Pike. There may be a little problem with the community association, though. I hear they’re a bit touchy about squatters in the business district. I’m letting my lawyers handle that, but in the event that I have to find another tree, I’ll let you know. Even though I will be eschewing all energy-depleting forms of communication, I’ll still have envoys on the ground who will carry my messages to the masses.

In any event, I will be sure to pick a tree that’s photogenic and easy to climb so that the TV journalists will be able to come up and interview me. I can see it all now . . . .

“Yes, Barbara, I decided to set an example for the entire planet. I eat only leaves that grow on my tree, and I catch rainwater in a bark bucket. My only possessions are the hemp clothes on my back and my shoes made of hollowed-out melons. I use no electricity or fuel of any kind. How do I what? Oh yes, that. Well, let’s just say I take my lead from the birds. 

“No, crime is not an issue up here. Even if I had anything worth stealing — which I don’t — most criminals are too lazy to climb trees. Also, I have a full palette of intimidating poses that I can assume anytime I see questionable types lurking below. I learned that from watching a Jane Goodall special. 

“All in all, I’d say I’ve found what humankind has been searching for all these millennia: Utopia. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m expecting Al Gore and a panel of eco-visionaries for some roundtable discussions. Gotta save the world, you know. ‘Al! Up here! Use the rope!’”