August 3, 2006 Issue                                       

©2006 The Chestnut Hill Local

Local’s most memorable wedding announcement
by LEN LEAR

You can’t believe everything you read in the newspapers. Case in point: Rich and Marissa McIlhenny, of Mt. Airy, are not related to the Rockefellers, the DuPonts or any other billionaires, contrary to what you may have read.

No doubt some readers will say, “Enough already,” about Rich McIlhenny, the Mt. Airy resident and Remax realtor who was the subject of a few recent articles in the Local. (He was an “extra” in the new M. Night Shyamalan movie, Lady in the Water, and we followed the month-long saga of his lost-and-found dog, Matty.)

However, although Rich has already used up his 15 minutes of fame, I cannot in good conscience ignore the fact that last Saturday, July 29, was the fifth anniversary of the wedding whose post-event notice was by far the most memorable wedding announcement ever to appear in the Local.

The original notice, sent to the paper by the loving couple, was not run in full by the Local five years ago. Then-listings editor Charles Kelsey was somewhat skeptical (I can’t imagine why) after reading the following announcement (you be the judge):

“Richard J. Vanderbilt Drexel McIlhenny wed Marissa L. Rockefeller Du Pont Vergnetti on Sunday, July 29, 2001, in the gardens of the estate of local friends Brian Dorsey and Martin Sellers in West Mt. Airy.

“An intimate ceremony attended by numerous world leaders and celebrities included best man David Benedict Carnegie Kane, and bridesmaids Lynne Rockefeller Du Pont Vergnetti and Lisa Vanderbilt Drexel McIlhenny Pereira.

“As helicopters circled overhead, paparazzi chased the couple’s limousine as it whisked them away to a local establishment amidst tight security, where they and their privileged guests later dined.

“Mr. McIlhenny, a lifelong local resident, graduated from Norwood Academy, Central High School and Oxford University, where he received his Doctorate in Pyg Latin. He spent several years in Central Africa living with Pygmy tribes, perfecting their language and assisting them with hut building, underarm maintenance, parallel parking and other services, helping them to understand the modern world.

“He is currently chairman of the board of The Protectors of the Endangered Skeet Foundation, where he works tirelessly attempting to prevent the shooting of this defenseless species.

“Ms. Vergnetti, originally from Moscow, Pa., in the Poconos, graduated from North Pocono Regional High School, Marywood College, Brooklyn College and is pursuing her Doctorate at Temple University. She received the Nobel Peace Prize in kitchen remodeling in 1992, and was second runner-up in the flower arranging division the following year. She leads yearly expeditions climbing Mount Everest, Mount Kilimanjaro and Camelback Mountain, having broken all three peaks’ speed climbing records in the last decade. She is also a champion nightcrawler breeder, and her herds have won numerous national awards.

“The couple will be honeymooning in a secret location later this month and then will retire to their Mt. Airy chateau.”

*****

Kelsey did delete some of the key claims in the announcement, e.g., “the Novel Peace Prize in kitchen remodeling ... The doctorate in Pyg Latin and ... The Pygmy tribes’ underarm maintenance.” However, when Kelsey asked McIlhenny if his and his wife’s alleged names, at least, were legitimate, he said, “Yes,” and those names, complete with Rockefellers, DuPonts, etc., did run in the Local.

Shortly thereafter, Philadelphia Inquirer columnist Michael Klein wrote an article about the spoof, pointing out that the names in the Local’s wedding notice were fake. He quoted Katie Worrall, then-editor of the Local, as saying, “We really depend on the honesty of the people who provide this information.”

McIlhenny told the Inquirer at the time, “There were a lot of people on the Hill who did know me ... who read it, and some thought it was a riot ... And others must have been saying to each other, ‘I had no idea he came from such wealth! And he lives so modestly!’”

Worrall wrote an editorial the following week, apologizing for being taken in by the McIlhenny spoof, stating that “we are not amused.”

I can only add that in the past five years I have done exhaustive research (and boy, am I tired!) into the truth of this historic episode. I have discovered, among other things, that there were no celebrities at the wedding, only George W. Bush and his date, Paris Hilton; that Rich McIlhenny was suffering from Attention Surplus Syndrome; that McIlhenny’s doctorate degree was not in Pyg Latin at all but in treating his body like an amusement park, and that Marissa’s Nobel Peace Prize was not in kitchen remodeling at all but in pizza-making with extra cheese.

I apologize sincerely for the misstatements that appeared earlier in this article. I can only hope that no one was injured while reading them.