©2006 The Chestnut Hill Local

Marriage – boom or bust?
By JENNIFER KATZ

Everyone has heard the statistics – 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce, 60 percent of all husbands and 40 percent of all wives cheat. The mainstream media mocks the institution of marriage every chance it gets, reinforcing the cliché that somehow everyone loses when it comes to matrimony.

And yet most research shows that the vast majority of people entering into marriage do not believe they will get divorced. And perhaps even more surprising, experts say, is that couples are blindsided by how difficult married life can be. So what is going on at the altar?

There are more than 2 million marriages every year in this country, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, and conversely there are just under 1 million divorces reported (California, Colorado, Indiana and Louisiana do not keep track of the number of divorces). This accounts for the commonly known divorce rate; however, in recent years there have been some challenges to the validity and the value of this statistic.

In April of 2005, New York Times reporter Dan Hurley’s article “Divorce Rate: It’s Not as High as You Think,” claimed that the most often used method for calculating the divorce rate (taking the number of marriages in a year and dividing it by the number of divorces that same year) is misleading. The accurate way to calculate the divorce rate, according to the article, is to take the number of people who have ever married and subsequently divorced. The rate drops to 41 percent. A sharp increase in the 1970s led many to believe the divorce rate would continue to skyrocket, but researchers say that has not happened. Instead, it has slowly decreased.

Professor Scott Browning, Ph.D., of Chestnut Hill College Department of Professional Psychology, said that he believes the divorce rate peaked at 50 percent and has now leveled out. He said it is unlikely we will see a major fluctuation in this country anytime soon. “We are a culture that loves marriage. It represents the ultimate sign of love and stability,” said Browning. “What we saw in the 70s was a backlog of a lot of bad marriages that had to be flushed out.”

However, Browning said he does not expect to see the divorce rate dropping either. “Divorce is accepted,” explained Browning. “You will always have the people who wake up the next morning and know they made a mistake, the couples who seven years into it realize they don’t want to be committed to this person for the rest of their lives, and the couples who realize when the kids go to college that they are not in love anymore.”

So with the divorce rate steady and remaining relatively high – the question becomes why do so many people still get married. As Browning points out, in many westernized countries in Northern Europe couples have chosen to abstain from the institution of marriage. “In Belgium and Norway, the middle class largely does not marry anymore,” said Browning. “They are just as committed to each other. They raise families together. They live together, they just don’t feel the need to have that piece of paper.”

In this country, Browning says, don’t expect to see fewer people getting married. “People get married now largely as they always did because they fall in love. People want a soul mate union with someone they are attracted to and respect,” said Browning. “And there is still a social status to being married in this country. For some planning the event is a highlight in and of itself.”

These days, after the haze of the wedding settles over them, married couples find themselves facing unique challenges, some inherited and some innate, says marriage counselor Gerald Tremblay, of Lafayette Psychological Associates in Lafayette Hill. “The younger generation is focused on making enough time for the relationship,” said Tremblay. “Whereas, the previous generation was focused on the changing roles of men and women.”

Chestnut Hill resident and newlywed Dana Klein, 30, said that the greatest challenge to her almost three year union to husband Josh, 31, is juggling the demands of modern life – jobs, house, friends and family – with finding time for each other. “The most important thing in our marriage is putting each other first,” Klein said. “Even over time with friends. We have so many other commitments that we have to work to do as much as possible with each other.”

According to Tremblay, who has been counseling married couples for almost 30 years, most couples entering counseling complain that they don’t feel connected to each other. Tremblay cites a recent Newsweek cover story on the lack of sex in marriages today. “It basically said that married people have less sex than single people,” recounted Tremblay. “If couples don’t make time for each other and the relationship they can end up going six or seven months without sexual activity.”

Tremblay said that sex is just one symbol of a couple’s connection and how they feel about the marriage. Most couples in fact struggle with many issues while juggling the pillars of the modern family – the kids, the careers, the house, etc. Yet what motivates married people, says Tremblay, cannot be found in the concrete components of marriage but in the intangible. “People nowadays expect to have a living vibrant emotional and physical connection.” The problem is that we do not understand that we have to work just as hard to have it.

“I always give my clients the example of my grandparents,” explained Tremblay. “My grandfather went out to work and brought home money and didn’t drink and my grandmother thought he was the greatest guy in the world. Well that idea is long gone. You couldn’t get anywhere with that today.

“People today know what they want, the problem is they don’t know how to achieve it,” said Tremblay. “The reality is that they didn’t see that much of it in their parents because the expectations of marriage in that generation were different.”

“The reality of the fact is that it is not some cake walk,” says Klein. “It’s a lot of work and the more you give the more get back.”

The bride and her pearls
By DEA ADRIA MALLIN

Like the bride, the pearl seems to glow from within.

Mollusks have been producing pearls since their first appearance 530 million years ago, and archaeologists report divers who have sought the rare and perfect natural pearl since 2250 B.C.

Pearls have filled the vaults of ancient Egyptians and the modern safe-deposit boxes of the rich and famous. In the late 1800s, Kikicho Mikimoto spent 12 years of his life and all his money to culture the pearl and ensure a spherical shape. In 1916, famed French jeweler Jacques Cartier bought his landmark Fifth Avenue property with two pearl necklaces. Books carry titles like The Mystery of the Golden Pearls, and famous cowboys carried pearl-handled pistols. Chicago’s Field Museum recently mounted an elaborate exhibition on pearls, as did the Smithsonian.

And even if there is a current rage for a strand of $17,000 South Sea pearls, one thing remains constant: the bride who wears a strand of pearls, heirloom or new, natural or cultured, saltwater or freshwater, invokes their warm glow, their mystery, and their radiance.

When Carole Jackson’s Color Me Beautiful book came out in 1988, it offered a seasonal concept of coordinating clothes, make-up, hair coloring, and jewelry with skin undertones for the most flattering effect. Since skin undertones tend to be either blue-based or yellow-based, a bride’s choice of a wedding gown and pearls called for attention to the winter/summer palette (blue-based) or the autumn/spring palette (yellow-based).

A winter skin, using this theory, could wear bright white pearls, while a summer skin would be enhanced by pearls with rose, ivory, or even grey tones. Yellow undertones called for creamy-hued pearls. What if grandma’s pearls conflicted? Hang a pendant to complement skin undertones. The guiding principle was to go for the most complementary colors near the face.

Today, according to two experienced and long-time Chestnut Hill jewelers, Margie Bugay and Helene Huffer, brides are not particularly concerned about matching the undertones and overtones of skin and pearls.

Jewelers here for many years, Milton and Margie Bugay have seen a lot of brides and a lot of pearls. In the post-war years, Margie was a model in New York City, and not only did she model in bridal shows but also attended a lot of her friends’ weddings as a bridesmaid.

Recalling the brides of her heyday, she says, “We wore extremely large hats made of the same fabric as our dresses, and the only thing we wore around our necks was pearls.” These were small pearls, between 5 and 6 millimeters, or the “sweetheart pearls” that fit right into the hollow of the neck. “Oh, and there were the small seed pearls, too,” Bugay remembers, noting “we didn’t flaunt anything in those days.”

As for the color of pearls, Bugay notes that “young women today don’t particularly like to be told; they wear whatever they want to wear.” Besides, she adds, “the make-up today is so refined that if the family’s heirloom pearls aren’t a match for skin undertones, everything can be fixed with the right make-up.”

Bugay is telling a larger truth: a truly fine strand of pearls with excellent luster will actually reflect the skin tones, or the makeup, of the wearer. And as for the color theory? Bugay herself is partial to dramatic effect, and loves the contrast of a smooth-skinned olive complexion with bright white pearls.

Helene Huffer, who was editor for the leading jewelers’ international publication for many years, later worked for Elaine Cooper Ltd., a family of jewelers with a 123-year history, much of it in Chestnut Hill. In 1985, gemologist Cooper retired and sold her business, which had several Chestnut Hill addresses and clients around the world, to Huffer.

She is familiar with the seasonal palette of Color Me Beautiful, and while she appreciates and agrees with much of the thinking, about pearls Huffer says, “There is no easy way to look at skin tone and predict what will look good. I have a highly developed sense of color, and while I have yellow-based skin, I look pretty in pink!”

Moreover, in cultured pearls, to the highly trained eye there are actually about 20 different variations in body color and overtones. Having bedecked many a bride with pearls, Huffer has a different way of looking at pearl choices, and observes first that the wedding gown and veil carry the impact, so that the more subtle variations in pearl hue will probably never be felt.

She also suggests that pearls be chosen to flatter the bride’s neckline, shoulder line, and possibly even the chin line. Some look better with a shorter strand, nestling in and rounded, some in a longer strand, giving a U-shape, and others in a V, coaxed into that shape with a small pendant.

Huffer’s best and most emphatic advice? “Use the eyes!” And that means making sure that the pearls are not merely seen against the pearl tray. Pick each strand up and put it on more than once. And, urges Huffer, “Look at the pearls under different lighting as well. Will the bride be under incandescent light? Daylight? Candlelight?”

Look especially at the luster, advises Huffer. If the area of reflection is crisp and sharp, good. If the edges are soft and hazy, that’s not so good. If the pearl is very lustrous, it usually has good nacre thickness, which means that not only will the strand complement the face, but it will have longevity.

A deep beauty, warm glow, and longevity. Isn’t that the perfect emblem for marriage?