April 13, 2006 Issue                                               

©2006 The Chestnut Hill Local

Our gal figures out how to meet (non-drunk) guys
by KRISTIN PAZULSKI

Staff reporter Kristin Pazulski fakes having intellectual pursuits in local coffee shops and bookstores so she can meet hot young men. If you see her, check out whether or not she is holding the James Joyce novel upside down. (Photo by Jennifer Katz)

So apparently the general public is entertained by the dating debacles of lil’ ole’ me (based on the response to my recent article about the fact that guys do not ask gals out on dates anymore). So in honor of your intense interest, I’m going to share with you throughout the weeks some stories as I feel inspired. I can’t always promise these experiences are my own, but I can guarantee they are real, inspired by the stories my girlfriends and I share over smothered cheese fries in the smoking section of a local fast-food joint.

And so, let me share with you my latest discovery, the newest trend in dating. No, it’s not a profile on matchandliveinharmonyforever.com or speed-dating (though, as previously reported, that is a delightful experience). It’s about meeting guys in cafés.

Upon turning 21, I quickly learned never to pick up a man at a bar. Bar-goers are rarely completely sober and so are not portraying their true selves. The muscles of alcohol awards, a confidence that will dwindle as you later puke on the lap of a picked-up dude, or you awake the next morning in a strange bed/car wondering how you got there. (Luckily, I’ve never experienced either of these catastrophes myself.) Even a little bit of alcohol transforms you to a more confident, more interesting, more beautiful person – but warning, this transformation is only in your head.

On the other hand, let me take you to a café. A café is a lovely place to … no, no, not do work, but to attract a possible future dating partner. Sitting at a café not only subtracts the alcohol factor, but you automatically look cool with the strategic placement of your very chic laptop, or iPod, or work of literature with a very modern named coffee in a paper cup next to you. So you can sip and look intelligent and important at your single little round table. (Hello, where do you think I am right now? At Starbucks, on my MAC iBook, sipping a white chocolate mocha. Hello boys, over here. )

It provides the perfect opportunity to begin a conversation about what you are “working” on, offer to buy a drink (sans alcohol) and display your true stupidity and awkwardness instead of the alcohol-induced variety.) But how to start that conversation without making yourself appear awkward? By employing the café-equivalent of the bar’s infamous let-him-know-I’m-interested look. I call it the “Hey, can-you-watch-my-stuff look as I use the ladies’ room (or buy a beverage, go outside to smoke a cigarette, walk aimlessly around the nearby bookshelves, etc., making you think I really do have something else to do.)

Yes, I have done it, and yes, it has worked. And even better and more rewarding, yes, I have had it done to me, and yes it has worked. And even better… I have watched the same interaction ensue among other 20-somethings, laughing in my head at the skills or lack thereof, or sometimes even thinking, “Damn, she got to him first.”

I’m not going to lie; ever since I interviewed a man who said that he and his wife had met at a Cosi’s in Philadelphia, I have harbored the romantic notion of meeting someone in a café. I previously thought that only happened in Paris under the lights of the Eiffel Tower or to randomly lucky people.

While meeting guys in cafés and bookstores, I have found it helps to throw into the conversation expressions like post-modernism, Freudian theory and Socratic philosophy. I’m not sure what any of them are, but the words alone seem to get the job done. Much more interesting than discussions about pool, darts and your favorite song.

So ladies, if you want a sober, reasonably intelligent date who is interested (I hope) in more than just your buttocks and alcohol-induced storytelling (“Oh my gosh, ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ is my favorite song too; I just love AC/DC!”), then head to your Borders/Starbucks/Cosi/Chestnut Hill Coffee Company and sit next to the cutest male-gendered individual, soon-to-be your café confidant and possible lover.

I do fear that with this article I will reveal to the typical bar-goers our secret, and they will head to their local café to try their moves on the coffee-drinking, laptop-toting crowd, but no worries. You’ll be able to pick them out a mile away with the popped collars and $50 ripped jeans, typing on their laptop with their two pointer fingers and reading Mark Twain upside down. “Hey, is that a coffee spill on your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

Comments, complaints and responses welcome at Kristin@chestnuthilllocal.com