‘Married to a Man, in Love with a Woman’

Controversial book by Mt. Airy author

RIGHT: Joanne Fleisher with her 11-year-old friend, Ranger (named for the Lone Ranger)

by LOU PERSEGHIN

In person, Mt. Airy resident Joanne Fleisher, 60, whose counseling services office is in Chestnut Hill, is somewhat soft-spoken and thoughtful, pausing before answering questions. Her answers, though, are frank and unreserved, as she is not afraid of being completely honest and open.” I don’t go out of my way to hide what I do,” said Fleisher, “and I feel like that’s a really important model for the clients that I work with.”

In 1978, Fleisher faced her own sexuality as a lesbian, despite being married with two children. It took her 18 months to accept her sexuality, finally divorcing her husband on good terms after 12 years of marriage. After completing a masters degree from the Bryn Mawr School of Social Work in 1981, Fleisher developed her own practice and has gained notoriety for helping women in similar situations ever since.

“I think the issue is to not act like you’re ashamed of your sexuality,” said Fleisher, who grew up in Philly, later lived in Denver while married and then moved back to this area. She offers counseling services for married heterosexual couples and gay/lesbian couples, individual counseling, runs a website (www.lavendervisions.com) and fields questions on an internet message board, ‘Ask Joanne,’ which she has moderated for over five years. She works primarily with married women who are attracted to other women, fulfilling an important role that she never had available when she went through the same experience.

“I think one of the reasons I work so heavily with lesbians is that I am very ‘out’ about what I do,” said Fleisher, “so I think I’ve become known for that by word of mouth.”

Through her work on the message board answering questions on the sensitive issue of being married to a man but having feelings of love for another woman, Fleisher has developed a vast and versatile knowledge on this topic. This has fueled her desire to reach out to these women, and later this month Fleisher will release her first book, Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and in Love With a Woman, published by Alyson Books. Two years in the writing, Lives brings together a variety of stories from her career with advice on coping with such a delicate and personal situation. Much of the material for Lives is reproduced anonymously from the message board. Fleisher grouped the questions by category, developing the major issues that women need to work out in order to resolve their conflict, thus forming the basis for each chapter.

“I really feel it is going to be helpful, from a therapist’s perspective, and there really is nothing like that out there. I realized that the questions that people were asking me provided me with such a background of material,” said Fleisher. “The result is that there is practically no question that relates to this subject that I haven’t been asked.”

Through many personal quotes and shared experiences, from both Fleisher and others, Lives provides reassurance to anyone going through a similar situation without knowing where to turn. Fleisher has fallen into this niche, in part she feels, because of her willingness to be open and honest about her own situation. “In my life I’m very open about who I am,” said Fleisher, “and I’m not uncomfortable about what I do.”

About 10 years ago, Fleisher decided that she was going to be open and honest in her advertising. She recognized that it was a major decision as a professional, with the potential for a backlash, but she also recognized the need for someone to fill that role.

“I felt at the time it was really important to me,” said Fleisher. “There were very few people in Philadelphia available specifically to lesbians. There were no ‘coming out’ groups; there were just no therapy groups at all. I decided at that time, knowing it would be a major decision, to advertise my name connected to these types of services.”

Since then she has seen her practice grow. Fleisher, who said she chose to live in West Mt. Airy because the community is welcoming and accepting, has also found herself in contact with other therapists who are looking for a consultation on a particular client, and sometimes they will refer patients to her as a specialist.

“I think everybody, when they make that decision [to ‘come out’ as a professional], is going to have to decide if that is going to keep other people away,” said Fleisher, “and I decided that if it does, well, so be it. In fact, it hasn’t kept people away, and my practice is pretty filled.”

Fleisher, who has been in her current relationship (with Judy Mealing) for 26 years, hopes that Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and in Love With a Woman will help reach a broad audience. “The reason I feel such a drive is that I have people who call me from all over the country as well as internationally,” said Fleisher. “They’re trying to get help, so they will contact someone who specializes in this, so I know there is that real need out there for this kind of information.”

Fleisher’s book should be on bookshelves by the end of this month. It is available for orders now at Amazon and Barnes and Noble online and can be ordered at Borders and Barnes and Noble if it is not on the shelves. Fleisher will do a book signing at Giovanni’s Room, 345 S. 12th St., on Friday, Dec. 2, 7:30 to 9 p.m. (215-923-2960) You can reach Joanne at Joanne@lavendervisions.com