Freelance writer Perry Block lives in Havertown.

by Perry Block

Heaven, I’m in heaven!

Why? Because “Things go Better with Coke,” “It’s the Real Thing,” “I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke and Keep It Company,” “Have a Coke and a Smile,” “Hey Kid, Catch!” “Open Happiness; Taste the Feeling” and just plain old “Enjoy Coca-Cola!”

That's why. I love the clean crisp kick to the throat that only Coke provides. Always have, always will.

But now, the Greatest Love of All is in serious peril. My last dental checkup has resulted in my mouth warranting a full-blown response from FEMA, and my dentist has made an audacious, almost unthinkable demand upon me.

"Perry," he said, "if you want to keep your teeth, you will have to give up Coca-Cola!"

"But why, doctor?" I protested. "You don't need teeth to enjoy Coke!"

Coca-Cola has been with me my entire life. From those early days when Coke came in returnable glass bottles to the stupefying introduction and speedy reversal of New Coke in 1985 to the modern day incarnation of multiple Coke products for every taste and temperament, there have been but two constants throughout: the unsurpassed flavor of the original formula and me mega-guzzling the stuff.

Don't try to hand me a Pepsi or an RC! They are poseurs, frauds, confederate colas! I’ll pass any taste test you throw at me — blind, double blind or deaf, dumb and blind! I'd know the difference.

But now things have changed, and it isn’t just that Coca-Cola is turning my teeth into Cream of Wheat. Medical science tells us there are legions of other ill effects emanating from my beloved beverage.  For example, when you first drink a Coke, 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system, which is enough to turn virtually anyone into Kathie Lee Gifford.

Caffeine next suffuses the brain, leading most Coke drinkers to stay up all night to write term papers, usually getting an A. Then come Dopamine and other substances so potent and intense, it’s a wonder there aren’t Hazmat warnings on the side of the can.

So how to live without that clean crisp delicious kick to the throat and mouth? How to bypass that incredibly refreshing pause that refreshes whenever I pause to refresh?

• Well, I could drink water. Ice cold water after you've hiked 3,000 miles across the Gobi Desert is kind of OK, but otherwise drinking a glass of water has all the allure of intimate relations with a woman out of a Norman Rockwell painting.

• I could drink juice. Orange juice, grapefruit juice and the like are indeed simpatico with pancakes and eggs and bagels and cereal, but what about after 9 a.m.? Orange juice with a corned beef sandwich? I'd be drummed out of Judaism!

• I could drink Perrier with a twist of lemon. That actually has kind of an appeal as I could wear a beret, sit in a corner cafe and feign sophistication and international savoir faire. Nah, forget it. I've never even read the Cliff's Notes to Sartre!

And my self-control is hardly legendary. Once I gave up eating chocolate for an entire week. At the end of that week I traveled to Hershey Park and ate the entire gift shop. Once I gave up fast food for a whole month. At the end of that month I couldn't hear the song "Old McDonald had a Farm" without crying.

But now it's all different. I'm 65 years old, and I had six cavities at my last dental check-up, and as noble as he was, I would prefer not to rival “First in War, Last in Teeth, Father of Our Country” George Washington in dental well-being.

So, I'm going Coca-Cola Cold Turkey!

And I am strong. I am resolute. I am going to survive once I can no longer “Enjoy Coca-Cola, Open Happiness” or even “Buy the World a Coke and Keep it Company.”

I am ready! Wish me luck. May I have one last kick to the throat, please?

In his humor blog, Perry Block: Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute (www.perryblock.com), Perry chronicles the world through the eyes of one baby boomer who has reached the age he thought was exclusively reserved for people's parents. Many of his humor pieces have been featured in online publications. He is eminently tweetable at @PerryBlock.