by Stacia Friedman

The Philadelphia Convention Bureau is actively seeking volunteers for the upcoming Democratic National Convention. To match your interests and availability with their needs, they have devised the following questionnaire:

How many delegates are you willing to host in your home?

A) One who is willing to help with household chores and childcare; B) Two nonsmokers who are handy with roofing; C) Three or more skilled in dog grooming, gluten-free cooking and massage; D) It’s July! We’ll be at the Shore.

What special skills do you have that would be of value to Convention attendees?

A) I know how to cross Market Street against the light; B) I am fluent in all five Philadelphia dialects; C) I am certified in performing CPR in Steven Starr restaurants; D) I am a lawyer who can keep delegates’ names out of the news when they are found disoriented and naked in Fishtown.

What is your current political affiliation?

A) Democrat; B) Republican; C) Independent; D) Twitter

What local cultural and historic sites do you think delegates should see?

A) The mural at Dirty Frank’s; B) The flotilla of cars parked illegally in the center of South Broad Street that are NEVER ticketed; C) The lines outside the Continental at 18th & Chestnut every Friday night, which proves that the economy is on an upswing if you are under 30 and are subsidized by your parents.

Protesters are expected to disrupt the Convention. How would you defuse any tensions that might arise?

A) Announce that McGillin’s is offering free beer to anyone with a Bernie cap; B) I’d explain the difference between Gino’s and Pat’s; C) Tell them where the Deep Pockets are hiding out in Margate and give them bus fare.

Why do you want to volunteer for the Democratic National Convention?

A) The thought of Trump being President makes me wet my pants; B) I love meeting people from all over the country; they have such funny accents; C) I want to be there when Elizabeth Warren accepts the Party’s nomination as the first female President of the United States. (What do you mean, she’s not running?)

If you were to meet Hillary Clinton in person, what would you say?

A) Way to go, Sister! B) Bill looks thin. Make him a pot roast; C) Wherever do you get those pantsuits? D) I don’t know how to do email, either.

There will be 2,000 hookers at the Convention, is that a problem for you?

A) No, I support all entrepreneurs; B) As long as they don’t block traffic on I-95; C) How do we tell them apart from the half-naked Twentysomethings in push-up bras and stilettos who invade Center City every weekend? D) Yo. This is Philly. They better be unionized.

How knowledgeable are you about public transportation in Philadelphia?

A) I have Uber on speed-dial; B) I recommend the Frankford El for anyone who thinks the Recession is over; C) Actually, the Recession is over on the Paoli Local; D) The subway concourse is perfectly safe at all hours as long as you have a SEPTA PASS and a crossbow.

In what ways have you previously been involved in politics?

A) I stole Rick Santorum signs off lawns in Northeast Philly; B) I purchased a year’s supply of Diet Coke BEFORE City Council voted on the Soda Tax; C) I launched a Kickstarter Campaign for Penn students whose unattended laptops are stolen in Starbucks.

Stacia Friedman is a Mt. Airy resident, author and satirist who believes that every gene pool should have its own lifeguard. She says that the best form of birth control after the age of 50 is nudity.