by Stacia Friedman
White people are not good at rioting. If there’s shooting, looting and tear gas, they prefer to experience it on television from the comfort of their microfiber Lazy-Boy, preferably with nachos and a six-pack. Sure, they can bust up the heads of non-union workers or beat up football fans from other cities, but when it comes to large-scale mayhem? They haven’t got a clue.
However, if he is denied the nomination, Donald Trump has threatened to unleash the wrath of his supporters on the GOP Convention. “You think they are angry now?” said Trump. “I promise you. There will be riots. And I will not be responsible!”
This recent statement has the Republican Establishment reaching for Maalox. “Trump is a reality show gone off the rails,” said Romney. “We’re thinking of sending him on a fact-finding mission to Djibouti.” The Koch brothers have another plan. “We’re hoping if we bankroll a Trump resort in Abu Dabi and throw in a harem of 72 former Miss Universe contestants, we can convince Trump it’s in his interest to forget the White House and take up residency in the United Arab Emirates.”
In preparation for the Riot of Poorly Educated White People, Trump’s campaign has launched training programs in every state. “They may be bloated, bigoted losers now. But by July, they’ll be an unstoppable army of patriots that will take deadly aim at anyone who would deny me the nomination.”
Trump’s plan to disrupt the Convention is meticulously orchestrated. The first line of attack will be the Make America Great Again Women’s Auxiliary. “Every one of these wonderful gals weighs in at over 200 pounds. They will march into the arena and stage a sit-in the likes of which you have never seen. They will sit on top of any delegate who opposes me and literally crush the opposition.”
If that doesn’t bring the GOP to its senses, Trump will unleash his Barroom Brawlers, 100,000 hard-drinking white guys with livers the size of Kansas. “We are getting these boozers in fighting shape. Believe me, they know how to throw a punch. They’ve been beating the hell out of their wives and kids for years. Half are already under restraining orders.”
Trump is most proud of his Freedom Storm Troopers. “We’ve amassed an army of Second Amendment-loving patriots. When they goose-step onto the Convention floor in their brown shirts, YOUGE Trump banners will unfurl from the rafters. First, they’ll just shoot red, white and blue paint-ball guns. If the Republican Establishment doesn’t concede, we’ll blast them to Kingdom Come with handguns, rifles and AK-47s. We’ve even got some terrific cross-bow shooters who will knock your eyes out. Then the rodeo really begins.”
Rodeo? “Nothing is more exciting and American than bronco-busting cowboys,” said Trump. “I’ve hired 50 of the country’s best rodeo champions to come thundering into the Convention arena on horseback where they’ll lasso and hog-tie the Republican Establishment within two minutes. Trust me, I know how to put on a show!”
While Trump vows to pay for all legal fees and funerals, he adamantly denies creating an atmosphere of hatred and violence. “I am not a hater. I am a protector of the American Dream,” said Trump. “Everything will be beautiful as long as the GOP plays fair and gives the nomination to the candidate with the popular vote. That’s clearly me, Donald J. Trump. But if they play dirty and try to snatch the nomination out of the hands of millions of very angry Americans, well, que sera sera.”
Trump hopes that will not be necessary. “I’m a nice guy,” he said. “The media compares me to Hitler and Mussolini. So what? Hitler and Mussolini were loved by millions. So am I! And they weren’t racists. They were smart. Look at Germany today. Over-run by Muslims. Angela Merkel is such a loser! And Italy’s economy? It’s in the crapper. That will never happen here because I won’t let it happen. America will be great again, or the rivers will run with blood. Did I mention that I am very, very rich?”
Stacia Friedman is a Mt. Airy resident, a satirist, novelist and the founder of DailyLobotomy.com. And she is NOT very, very rich!