Do you have arthritis? Don’t worry. Help is on the way. Ronald Clump will make sure you have a swimming pool in your backyard, and Mexico will pay for it!

Do you have arthritis? Don’t worry. Help is on the way. Ronald Clump will make sure you have a swimming pool in your backyard, and Mexico will pay for it!

by J. L. Sloss

I’ve never been big on politics, but in this election year I’ve become fascinated by one of the presidential candidates – to the point where I’ve actually followed him throughout the country as he speaks at rallies and debates. Ronald Clump is a very compelling man. He has such innovative ideas. I think he can really fix almost all of our problems!

People are worried about so many things these days. Clump has been addressing all of them. Out in Oregon, he answered a lady who said she was so depressed because it rained constantly. He said, “We’re gonna do what we call ‘reverse cloud seeding’ and make all that rain go away!” When a man in Tennessee asked about jobs being lost to offshore companies and the impact to our economy, even leading to homelessness, Clump answered, “We’re gonna stop ALL foreign trade, OK! We’ll make absolutely everything here in America from now on!

“We’ll get all those homeless people off the streets — put ‘em in houses, put ‘em in jobs!” The crowd went wild. He went on, “Right now, all those other countries hate us. They hate our government. Our government is stupid! But everybody loves me. They want to BE me! And, I’m gonna make America rate again!”

Somebody in Niagara Falls, New York, complained that the falls were so noisy they kept him awake every night. Clump threw up both arms, “We’re gonna turn those falls off; OK? They’ve been churning long enough!” Another person spoke up, complaining that there was bird dirt everywhere in her town — on streets, on sidewalks, on porch railings, in playgrounds. She asked what could be done. Clump quickly responded, “We’re gonna sue those birds! That’s right! We’re gonna make ‘em pay! And anybody caught feeding ‘em, we’re gonna throw all those guys in jail and throw away the key!”

There have been many concerns expressed about healthcare. One woman in Maine struggled to stand using a walker. She said she had rheumatoid arthritis and that her doctor recommended daily swimming, but she couldn’t afford a gym or swim club membership. Clump quickly said, “Don’t you worry! You and every single, solitary person in America who has arthritis, we’re gonna build you your own swimming pool! I don’t care where you live! You’ll have a pool! And Mexico will pay for it!”

In Omaha, a young man was almost in tears as he told of how his 13-year-old was making him crazy, hanging out with bad kids, never listening. The crowd cheered. I guess many had similar challenges. Clump hollered, “OK, here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna build two islands. One in the Atlantic Ocean and one in the Pacific Ocean. Who’s gonna fund those? That’s easy! Atlantis will pay for one and Pacifico will pay for the other. I’ve worked with both of those countries’ leaders, and they’re really, really very, very, very nice people! We’ll ship every single child between ages 13 and 17 to those islands. When they turn 18, we’ll bring ‘em back!” That’ll save all you parents on food, housing, clothes and frustration. It’s a win-win.”

“What if they try to sneak back in, like the immigrants?” someone asked. “No problem!” Clump said. “We’re gonna erect a 100-foot, electrified net all around this entire country! We’ll keep out who we want to keep out and keep in who we want to keep in. And nobody’s view will be obstructed. And, Canada, Mexico, Europe, China, Japan and all those countries whose names I can’t remember right now will pay for it! I have a lot of trade leverage I can use.” The crowd looked confused. Someone said, “But, I thought you said we wouldn’t be trading anymore.” “I never said that!” Clump snapped. “Just don’t you worry; OK?! We’ll work it out!”

At Clump’s recent Chicago rally, after his particularly calming opening speech, I was stunned when the crowd of thousands suddenly broke out into a refrain of Kumbaya and joined hands while gently swaying to the rhythm of their own voices. It’s so inspiring and refreshing to hear someone who can finally fix America. I can’t wait to see all of Clump’s great ideas brought to reality. He is the greatest!

J. L. Sloss, of Wyndmoor, is a writer of articles and short stories and in this case, a satirist. Now retired, she had a 40-year career with a major insurance company as a corporate trainer, marketing manager, proposal unit manager and proposal content writer. She is also a songwriter and performer with a four-piece band called Timber Line that plays local venues, including Drake’s Catering’s Garden in Chestnut Hill.

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