by Stacia Friedman
“Noah’s Ark was built by amateurs. The Titanic was built by professionals,” said Republican Presidential candidate Ben Carson. “My lack of political experience is not a liability. It’s an asset.”
“But Noah’s Ark is a 2,000-year-old Bible story, not a scientific fact,” said This Reporter.
“The Bible doesn’t lie. Politicians lie,” said Carson. “Do you have a moment to hear about God’s plan for you?”
“Um, actually, that’s not what this interview is about. It’s about your political platform,” said This Reporter.
“My platform is to replace the corruption of insider politics in Washington with God’s great plan,” said Carson.
“And that is?” asked This Reporter.
“Why don’t we sit down?” said Carson, opening his briefcase and spreading a handful of pamphlets on a table. “The problem with our political system is that it places all authority in the hands of mortal beings. I plan to transfer that authority to our Creator, the Great Architect.”
“In all due respect, sir, America was founded on the separation of Church and State,” said This Reporter.
“Pshaw,” said Carson. “The seas are rising. A Great Flood is coming. Will you be ready?”
“The seas are rising due to Global Warming,” said This Reporter.
“So why then did the seas rise in Noah’s time?” replied Carson, opening a Bible. “For the Lord said, I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth. So make yourself an ark…”
“Why do you keep referring to Noah’s Ark?” said This Reporter.
“Because that is the core of my platform,” said Carson. “I will eliminate the U.S. Armed Forces and reduce our military budget to the construction of a Great Ark.”
“Is that a metaphor, sir?”
“No. It’s a boat that is 300 cubits by 50 cubits, containing two of every species, one male, one female,” said Carson. “Not sure about spiders. My wife has a phobia.”
“According to a poll by the Pew Research Center, 25% of millennials are not religious,” said This Reporter. “How can you win an election without their vote?”
“They’re not religious now,” said Carson, “but when it rains for 40 days and 40 nights and their BMWs go floating by, they’ll get religion fast!”
“So you believe that your career as a brain surgeon and your religious convictions alone are sufficient experience to become the Leader of the Free World?” asked This Reporter.
“I know it because the Bible told me so,” said Carson. “My purpose is to prepare, not just America, but the entire world for the Rapture. When the Heavens open and the Messiah returns, no one is going to check my references.”
“Meaning no disrespect, sir, but Seventh Day Adventists such as yourself predicted the End of Times in 1844. It didn’t happen,” said This Reporter. “What makes you think it’s going to happen during your term in office, should you be elected?”
“It’s all in this brochure,” said Carson.
“But what about your Cabinet? Do you plan to surround yourself with seasoned politicians, experts in finance, health, education and international relations?” asked This Reporter.
“I’ve prayed on that,” said Carson, “and that is not what the Lord wants me to do. He’s had it up to here with Constitutional lawyers and politicos. Instead, I am going to assemble a team of True Believers. My cousin Betty Sue will do a better job as Secretary of State than Hillary Clinton.”
“Betty Sue has been a middle school crossing guard for over 30 years and, during that time, she has relentlessly spread God’s Word door-to-door throughout this great land,” said Carson. “Betty Sue isn’t weakened by adversity like Hillary. She’s strengthened. If I send her to the Kremlin, you better believe Betty Sue will knock on Putin’s door until he opens it.”
“You’re serious about appointing a middle school crossing guard Secretary of State?”
“Absolutely. I’m giving her two cell phones for Christmas just to get her used to the idea,” said Carson.
Mt. Airy satirist and novelist Stacia Friedman is the founding editor of www.DailyLobotomy.com