by Stacia Friedman
“If I’m elected, no one who makes under $30,000 will have to pay taxes because, good God, I spend more than that on my dry cleaning,” said Carly Fiorina. “Until I started campaigning, I had no idea there are millions of Americans who can’t afford private jets, personal chefs or Botox maintenance.”
“Does that mean you’re in favor of raising the minimum wage?” asked This Reporter.
“In theory, yes. But that’s not the government’s job,” said Fiorina.
“Whose job is it?” said This Reporter.
“No one’s. The free market regulates itself just like the temperature in my indoor pool,” said Fiorina.
“The minimum wage has been stagnant for over a decade while the earnings of CEOs have risen astronomically,” said This Reporter.
“God bless America!” said Fiorina, punching the air with her fist.
“But what about those Americans still living in poverty while working full time? If you’re elected, how will you help them?” asked This Reporter.
“I’ll give every American a special savings accounts that will allow them to dream about the day that they too will have a $6 million mansion with an indoor theater, sauna and steam room,” said Fiorina.
“How could a young couple with staggering student loans ever save enough to achieve that?” asked This Reporter.
“Oh, good Lord, I didn’t say they would actually achieve it. That smacks of Communism. I said they could dream,” said Fiorina. “That’s what Obama has taken away from people. Their dreams!”
“But it was the Bush Administration that allowed Wall Street to run wild and crush the economy in 2008, before Obama took office,” said This Reporter. “That’s what gave us massive unemployment, home foreclosures and the worst economic depression since 1929. The only ones who benefited were the CEOs responsible for creating the catastrophe.”
“God bless America!” boomed Fiorina again.
“You mean you were one of 1% who benefited from the crash?” asked This Reporter.
“Let’s just put it this way, I was able to buy a Georgian house in Virginia with a Potomac view at one million below the asking price,” winked Fiorina. “But you’re missing the point. I am the only candidate who can restore the American Dream.”
“Yes, but how?” said This Reporter.
“The same way I saved Hewlett Packard. I’ll shut down every government agency and entitlement program. Trim the fat. I’ll turn the Beltway into a demolition derby,” said Fiorina.
“If you close down all the government agencies, millions will be out of work,” said This Reporter.
“Not my problem. The Founding Fathers never intended to run an employment agency or a bank for that matter,” said Fiorina.
“Yes, but if you remove government regulation from Wall Street again and create massive unemployment, you’ll just be repeating the same mistakes the Bush administration made,” said This Reporter. “The middle class will disappear.”
“No, they won’t. They’ll just be dirt poor, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of,” said Fiorina. “I know from personal experience. There were times when I had to fly Business Class, walk my own dogs and (sniff) file my own nails.”
“With all due respect, Ms. Fiorina, during the last debate you condemned the rich and powerful, but aren’t they your real base and the only beneficiaries of the take-no-prisoners platform on which you are running?” asked This Reporter.
Fiorina looked down at her $2 million Cartier watch and gasped. “Oops, got to run. I’m late for my photo op volunteering at a soup kitchen.”
Mt. Airy novelist and satirist Stacia Friedman is the founding editor of DailyLobotomy.com.