by Stacia Friedman
In his Tweets during the Democratic debate, Trump blasted the candidates for sounding “too rehearsed.”
“They sounded like a bunch of law school students who crammed all night for an exam,” said Trump. “Me? I never know what’s going to come out of my mouth and look where it’s gotten me!”
“If you’re the Republican Presidential nominee, aren’t you going to prepare for a debate with the Democratic nominee?” asked This Reporter.
“There’s nothing to prepare,” sneered Trump. “Hillary is going to be their nominee, and I know exactly what she’s going to say. She’s going to share her emails with China, take away everyone’s guns and open the flood gates to Mexican rapists.”
“She didn’t say anything like that during the debate,” said This Reporter.
Trump smiled like an infant with gas.
“See; that’s why I don’t need to rehearse. I don’t care what Hillary actually says. I’m a genius at putting words in her mouth that scare the pants off voters,” said Trump. “I just did.”
“Yes, but when you’re on the same stage, you won’t be able to do that. She’ll be right there to defend herself,” said This Reporter.
“Let her try,” said Trump, running a hand over his pompadour. “I know her vulnerabilities, and I’m not afraid to tackle them head on.”
“You mean her email problems, Benghazi and support of the Iran nuclear deal?” asked This Reporter.
“Hell, no,” sniffed Trump. “I’ll go after the elephant in the room.”
“What’s that, sir?”
“Her weight. Those pantsuits can’t conceal that she’s pulling a double-wide trailer,” said Trump.
“You’re going to attack Hillary Clinton’s appearance on national television?” asked This Reporter.
“Why not? Look what it did for my numbers when I questioned Carly Fiorina’s attractiveness and Megyn Kelly’s time of the month. Hillary is F-A-T. I tell it like it is. When I say it out loud, she might cry. I certainly hope so,” said Trump.
“If Hillary cries, women voters will rush to her defense,” said This Reporter.
“Says who?” sneered Trump. “Women love me. You know why? Because I’m very rich … By the way, the press, which always lies, did it again when they said I was Tweeting messages during our last debate.”
“Of course, not,” said Trump. “I have people….good people….who manage my social media image. They’re the ones who have to rehearse for my debates and public speaking engagements and send out the Tweets. Not me.”
“I don’t understand,” said This Reporter. “How can anyone else rehearse for you?”
“You think I’m going to take time from making multi-billion-dollar deals to attend rehearsals for my reality TV show, “The Apprentice,” or a political debate?” said Trump. “Don’t be silly. I have a double who rehearses for me. It’s all pre-taped. The day before the show, I take a Viagra pill and get into bed with my much younger, cosmetically-enhanced wife and watch the tape. The day of the actual broadcast, I wear an invisible wire that feeds me my lines.”
“You won’t be able to do that during the Presidential Debates,” said This Reporter.
“Why not?” said Trump. “I’m wearing one right now and you can’t see it!”
Trump turned his head to the right and the left.
“No, sir. I don’t see anything,” said This Reporter. “Is a chip embedded in your skin or concealed in your clothing?”
“Better,” smirked Trump, patting his golden fleece. “People think my hair is a toupee or a comb-over. It’s actually a receiver that feeds me whatever information I require. The Dow Jones average. Hillary’s bra size. Bernie Sanders last prostate exam.”
“Is that legal?” asked This Reporter.
Trump shrugged, passed gas and smiled.
“Sorry, I have to go,” he said. “My hair just informed me I have a meeting.”
Stacia Friedman is a Mt. Airy resident, author and satirist who has been giving dating advice to Donald Trump for many years. Her writing has previously appeared in the New York Times “Boomer” blog, the Philadelphia Inquirer and Main Line Today, among many other publications.