by Stacia Friedman

The Parent Teacher Association of the Eugene McCarthy School District in Whacko, Texas, has petitioned the District Superintendent to replace volley ball with mandatory firearms education in grades 7 through 9.

“We are not advocating gun violence,” said PTA president Mary Beth Hewitt. “We are advocating gun safety. Knowing how to serve a volley ball won’t save a life. Knowing how to take down an active shooter will.”

“You don’t think it’s dangerous to place firearms in the hands of 13-year-olds?” asked This Reporter. “Their brains aren’t fully formed. They have difficulty exercising impulse control. And hormonally, they’re on a roller coaster.”

“Research has found that the earlier you place a gun in the hand of a child, the sooner they will warm up to the idea of blood sport,” said Hewitt. “We’ll start them off with shooting at targets that resemble their teachers, then take them on field trips where they can put their knowledge to the test.”

“Field trips?”

“We will take them to shopping malls and give them $10 gift cards to distract them. Then we will release an active shooter in the mall and test them on their survival skills,” said Hewitt.

“You mean an exercise with toy guns like a paint-ball game?” asked This Reporter.

“No, sir. The shooter and the students will use live ammo,” said Hewitt. “This isn’t a pass/fail course. It’s life and death.”

“That’s insane,” gasped This Reporter. “How can you put children and everyone else in the mall at risk?”

“We no longer live in a duck-and-cover world. We live in a kill-or-be-killed world,” said Hewitt. “The sooner our children know how to respond to gun violence, the safer we will all be. Nothing like seeing brains splattered all over a Ben & Jerry’s to toughen you up.”

“How do the teachers in your district feel about this?” asked This Reporter.

“Oh, they were queasy at first. Some of them feared being pistol-whipped by students who failed pop quizzes,” said Hewitt. “But we calmed them down by providing them with appropriate means of protection.”

“You’re going to arm middle school teachers too?”

“Hell, no,” said Hewitt. “We’re giving teachers tasers and $100,000 life insurance policies.”

“How are students responding to this?” asked This Reporter.

“They are very excited. Here, in Texas, most children know how to use guns by their eighth or ninth birthday,” said Hewitt. “By adding Homicidal Shooter games to the curriculum, we’re giving students an opportunity to display their talent. Not every child can achieve academically or on the basketball court, but put an assault rifle in their hand, and they’ll surprise you.”

“But that’s the age at which teens start to experiment with drinking and drugs. Aren’t you concerned what a teenager under the influence might accidentally do with a firearm?” asked This Reporter.

“We’re way ahead of you on that one,” said Hewitt. “We’re instituting a responsible drinking course in the Middle School along with gun safety. We advocate that boys consume no more than 16 ounces of alcohol within 24 hours and girls, no more than eight ounces.”

“But it’s illegal to serve minors!” said This Reporter.

“Honey, this is Texas. We start drinking as soon as we’re old enough to spell Jack Daniels,” quipped Hewitt. “Teen drinking is a fact of life. We just want them to do it responsibly.”

“What about drugs? You want to put guns in the hands of kids who are high?”

“Now that’s where the PTA draws the line. We all know where marijuana use leads,” said Hewitt.

“Where’s that?” asked This Reporter.

“Turns good kids into NRA-hating Democrats,” snarled Hewitt.

Mt. Airy satirist and novelist Stacia Friedman is the founding editor of