by Stacia Friedman
Ransom House has announced a $20 million dollar advance for Donald Trump’s newest book, “Apologizing is for Losers.”
“From the response we’ve gotten from the major sellers, we anticipate that the first edition will be sold out before we go to press,” said Al A. Gator of Ransom House.
“How does this fit in with his previous books like ‘The Art of the Deal?’” asked This Reporter.
“Oh, this is a major departure,” said Gator. “Trump’s other books were what we call aspirational, for readers seeking guidance on creating wealth. In ‘Apologizing is for Losers,’ Trump takes the gloves off. No more Mr. Nice Guy. He shows how to attain power and prestige by ‘pantsing’ the competition.”
“You mean metaphorically?” asked This Reporter.
“No. It’s about sneaking up behind your competitor, unzipping his fly and pulling his pants around his knees,” said Gator.
“That’s what schoolyard bullies do,” said This Reporter.
“That’s what billionaires running for president do!” snapped Gator.
“How do you fill 250 pages with ‘pantsing’ instructions?” asked This Reporter.
“Oh, there’s much more than that. Trump tells how to disarm your rivals by calling them disgusting names in front of a large crowd,” said Gator.
“You mean like he did to Megyn Kelley and Jorge Ramos?” asked This Reporter.
“Ha! That was nothing,” said Gator. “Let me read you an excerpt from the book … Be prepared. Always carry a list of repulsive names to call your adversaries. The more politically incorrect, the better it is. Menopausal Monkey! Fungus Face! Turd-Throwing Baboon! Don’t wait until they attack you. Strike first. Never ever apologize.”
“But that seems like a recipe for a libel suit,” said This Reporter.
“Well, we highly recommend that you read Trump’s ‘How to be Rich’ first,” said Gator. “‘Apologizing is for Losers’ is for people who have already achieved their financial goals and want to get to the next level of shmuckdom.”
“This has to be a joke,” said This Reporter, “Are you saying that if Trump is elected President, he plans on calling world leaders dirty names?”
“Glad you asked,” said Langdon. “In chapter eight, Trump reveals his personal nicknames for rulers of the most powerful countries. He calls Angela Merkel ‘Frau Humpty Dumpty’ and says ‘Even on her best day, from the neck down, she was never more than a two.’ He calls Kim Jong-un the ‘Leader of North Gonorrhea.’ And about Israel’s prime minister, he says, “I get along with the Jews, even hardliners like Bibi Nuke-You-Too.”
“That is repugnant. If Trump has any chance to be elected, this book will ruin it,” said This Reporter.
“That’s what they said about Mein Kampf, ”said Gator. “It sold over 10 million in print. Last year, as an ebook, it was number 12 on the iTunes chart,” said Gator. “Strictly off the record, it’s what gave Trump his anti-immigrant platform.”
“Trump is modeling himself on Adolf Hitler?” asked This Reporter.
“Not on Hitler. On Hitler’s book,” said Gator. “After reading it, Trump knew he needed to get the masses all riled up about something. With Rubio, it’s abortion. With Walker, it’s Obamacare. Trump liked Hitler’s idea of blaming a nation’s problems on a criminal foreign element. The problem was, which one?
“Jews and Italians are too assimilated. Blacks have the numbers to swing the vote against him. As it turns out, the majority of illegal immigrants are from Honduras and Nicaragua, but how can you get people to hate them when they don’t even know where it is on the map? That’s why he finally chose the Mexicans. Who doesn’t know Chipotle?”
Stacia Friedman is a Mt. Airy resident, the founding editor of DailyLobotomy.com, a satirical columnist and the author of “Tender is the Brisket.”