by Stacia Friedman

“This isn’t about Benghazi,” said Washington socialite Missy Vandercamp. “This is about Hillary’s pantsuits. They make her look like a frumpy high school principal. I tried to warn her when she first came to town. She wouldn’t listen.”

“The investigation into Hillary’s emails is being conducted by the Justice Department, not Women’s Wear Daily,” interjected This Reporter.

“That just goes to show you what a serious matter this is,” said Vandercamp, fingering her strand of pearls. “Hillary won’t take the hint. Michelle Obama, on the other hand, got the memo. Women all over the country want to look like the First Lady in her designer clothes. She’s a fashion icon, like Jackie O. But who, I ask you, wants to look like Hillary?”

“But Hillary is no longer First Lady. She last served as Secretary of State,” said This Reporter.

“And what a mess she made of that!” bellowed Vandercamp. “How can we expect world leaders to respect us when Hillary shows up wearing a Blue Light Special? At least when Laura Bush wore pants suits, they were Ralph Lauren.”

“Surely you don’t believe a Democrat Administration would investigate a Democrat candidate over something as frivolous as fashion,” said This Reporter.

“Frivolous?” snapped Vandercamp. “You clearly don’t understand how Washington works. Before deals are made in the halls of Congress or the West Wing, they are worked out at my dinner parties. I make a mean pot roast.”

“So, you’re saying that if Hillary started wearing skirts, this whole email brouhaha would go away?” asked This Reporter.

“Not just any skirt. It would have to be from a respectable fashion company. I, myself, wear St. John. You can never go wrong with them,” said Vandercamp, nibbling a tiny cucumber sandwich. “But that, in itself, wouldn’t be enough. Hillary has blown up like a float in the Macy’s Parade. She’s either got to lose 50 pounds or wear industrial strength Spanx.”

“Wouldn’t that alienate the average American woman who’s a size 14?”

“Pul – lease!” huffed Vandercamp. “The average American woman doesn’t want a President who looks like she curls up every night with a jumbo bag of Doritos. “

“You’re saying this investigation is a farce?”

Vandercamp went rigid. “Not a farce. I’d say it’s more of an intervention. Hillary is bright. I’ll give you that. But nobody wants to sit next to her at dinner parties.”

“You believe it’s the Democrat Party that’s taking down Hillary?”

“Let’s just say they’re reshuffling the deck, making room for more likely candidates,” sniffed Vandercamp.

“You mean Bernie Sanders?”

“Good gracious, no! He looks like he belongs behind a deli counter. Every time I see him, I want to order a container of white fish salad and a half loaf of rye.”

“Then who?”

“My lips are sealed,” said Vandercamp, “but Nancy Pelosi is a snazzy dresser.”

Stacia Friedman is a Mt. Airy resident, the founding editor of DailyLobotomy.com, a satirical columnist and the author of “Tender is the Brisket.”