by Jim Harris

Okay, for those of you who only listen to the Good News Channel, you need to know that ISIS is the latest marauding boy-band to top the terror charts. They are the newest in a long line of violent subversive groups that has included Al Qaeda, the Taliban, the Kardashian sisters and the Backstreet Boys. Personally, these Isissyans seem to me like super-evil Smurfs.

They view themselves as the now-leaders of the global jihadist movement, and according to news reports, young Westerners are defecting in droves to go join them in the Middle East. This is partly because of ISIS’ canny use of modern public relations techniques. They advertise their activities as having “camaraderie and outdoor activities.” They also get their brand name in front of kids with products like Terror Berry Crunch cereal and Death-a-Roni canned pasta. In the area of entertainment, they have ISIS cruises, ISIS theme parks and a new extravaganza, “ISIS On Ice,” opening soon for the holiday season.

With all the glitz and hype, it’s no wonder that Western kids are lining up to join their ranks. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are now more teenagers sneaking out of America than there are sneaking in. The badlands of Syria and Iraq have become hip destination points.

According to child psychologist Dr. Sigmund Fraud, “In past decades, young people smoked pot and marched for peace. Nowadays, pot is permissible and peace is passe, so youngsters have to find a new way to rebel.”

Said one local parent, “Four of my kids have already run away to join ISIS. Our youngest is not at the ISIS stage yet; she’s still into Muppets and Legos, but we’re keeping an eye on her. The other day I caught her praying in her room. We’re really worried. I don’t know where she suddenly got all this religious fervor. I mean, we’re Unitarians!”

Another parent said, “Our son had been acting strange, refusing to brush his teeth or put out the trash. Then one night we made him eat Brussels sprouts, and that pushed him over the edge. The next day we saw him on TV, carrying a machine gun in Kirkuk. I blame myself — and the Bird’s Eye company, of course.”

And this from an anonymous student at a local high school: “All the kids are really into ISISmania. It’s ‘ISIS this’ and ‘ISIS that.’ They wear the ISIS boots and carry ISIS lunch boxes. They’re all like, ‘Hey, who’s your favorite ISIS, Abdul Abdullah or Abdulaba Ali Baba?’ My sister already ran away to Syria and married a guy named Ogbad who wears a necklace made of bullets. He’s really cool. I’m planning to go myself as soon as I get my braces off.”

And it’s not just teens who are defecting. The Pennsylvania Ballet, the New York Yankees and the entire town of Sandusky, Ohio have already joined the ranks of ISIS, and the numbers are growing every day. I even read that ISIS is seeking oil industry experts to help run oil fields and refineries it has seized in Iraq and Syria. I think Dick Cheney would be a perfect fit, since he knows the oil business, and it was he who enabled ISIS to get their start.

Since it seemed inevitable that ISIS will soon be ruling the world, I decided I should jump on the bandwagon and apply for a job myself. I don’t know anything about oil, but I figured I could help them with their music production, which so far has been pretty lame. All of their songs sound like shaving cream commercials from the 1950s — dozens of men singing in unison and drowning reverb. You expect to see Mitch Miller and a bouncing ball any minute.

When I called their number, I got the message, “Thank you for calling ISIS. We are out murdering infidels at the moment. Please listen to the following list of options: Press one if you are interested in a job with ISIS. Press two to order official ISIS merchandise. Our specials this week include the Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi Chia Pet and the ‘I Hate America’ Home Terror Kit.”

I pressed “1” and left a message stating a few of my concerns: “Do I get Christmas off? Do you serve vegan meals? Allow pets? I’m allergic to sand. Will there be much of that? I can’t grow a beard. I could prune my mustache into something appropriately menacing, like a Fu Manchu. Would that work?”

I haven’t heard back yet. I’m sure they’re very busy. Taking over the world is such a big job.