by Christopher Bachler
It used to be fashionable to look classy; everyone did his best to look his/her best. It’s understandable that sensible people would want to look their best. It’s good to aspire to better things; mankind should always be climbing.
But in today’s world appearances — and values — are sinking. If you look at photos from the 1940s, you will see that almost all women walking in center city were wearing dresses, and men almost all wore suits. Even at Phillies games, this attire was standard. Today, at even the most elegant restaurants, blue jeans and running shoes abound.
The goal today seems to be to look like a bum. Class is definitely out!
Tattooing is an ancient art — and remains a popular art — among the world’s primitive cultures. Go to any part of the globe where written language or the wheel are unknown, where nakedness is commonplace and food is eaten raw (and sometimes humans, too) and you will find lots of “body art.”
For those who need to worry about nothing but pursuing prey and avoiding predators, the body paint makes perfect sense. It provides the kind of camouflage many wild animals and even military combat troops also use as a survival tool. It’s not as if you need to worry about job interviews in the wild.
But in the First World, impressions are everything. Do you think prospective employers won’t notice tattooed necks or knuckles? If you’re planning a career in the sewer or slaughter house, then looking like Queequeg or the Illustrated Man might be an asset. But if you’re aspiring to a professional career, then you might leave body art to the Amazons.
Rings and Things
I knew a girl in junior high school who wore a ring on every finger and both thumbs. Her nickname was “Rings and Things.” She stood out at the time like a candle in a dark room, but how modest she would appear by today’s standards.
No longer worn so much on fingers, today’s flesh-ripping, cartilage-tearing rings are punched through every part of the ears, as well as the lips, eyebrows, noses and even tongues. Does it remind you a little of nose bones, patterned scarring of the flesh or lip-stretching clay saucers? From the heart of darkness to Main Street, U.S.A.
Isn’t it nice to deal with a youngster working a cash register whose face is covered with rings that have been punched through bloody, pus-infected flesh? Works up a real appetite for that food you just bought!
I recently saw a pink-haired young woman in a store whose face was covered in rings. She had more holes in her face than poor Harry Whittington did after Dick Cheney shot him. Had Dick Cheney shot her, he would have done less damage than she has gladly done to herself.
I’ve never been interested in the clothing business, but I’m having second thoughts, for I see a golden opportunity in the creation of a whole new line that I would call “Bum Wear.” This would include clothing that’s designed to look like something a homeless person would wear.
I’ve noticed that young people today like to dress down — very down. Department stores are even selling pre-torn jeans, and young people are actually wearing them! So if pre-torn jeans are making a hit, then maybe we can add to that.
Let’s start with pre-stained. That’s right; you no longer need to worry about staining your clothes since all clothes will come pre-stained. Should you spill something on your pre-stained clothing, it won’t matter; if anything, you’ll be embellishing your wardrobe.
Some pre-stained concepts could include:
• Yellow stains on the crotch to appear like urine stains.
• Brown stains on the backside to appear like … well, you know.
• Underarm perspiration.
• Fabricated beer, blood, paint, and vomit stains.
• Coats and shirts covered with artificial dog or cat hair
• The lice-infestation look.
Clothing will also be artificially pre-odorized so that your underarm stains will smell like actual B.O. The B.O. will cover the full spectrum of B.O. types, including B.O. of people who’ve been exercising, living on the street, digging through the trash, eating too much garlic or you name it! No longer will you be limited to your own natural stench; now you can smell like any bum from any part of the world or from any walk of life.
Now anyone can look like a bum, even if you don’t sleep in an alley or relieve yourself under someone else’s porch. Now that we are an “inclusive” society, nobody needs to feel left out. Why should the street people have all the privileges? Don’t middle and upper class people count anymore?