by Christopher Bachler
Presidential candidates are announcing their candidacies earlier and earlier all the time. This is because of the tremendous amount of time it takes to raise money, make deals and so on. I suppose that makes sense. So for that reason, I wish to now announce my candidacy for President of the United States for the year 2060.
Yes, I will be 105 years old. But so what? With advances in modern medicine and with our leaders’ assurances that Social Security will still be sound and Obamacare will be a smashing success, there should be many people still around and active at that age.
I mean, it’s not as if our political leaders lie. If present trends continue, moreover, elderly people should be a solid majority by then, and their voting power will be overwhelming. At age 105, that should bode well for me.
But will medical issues be a problem for me at that advanced age? Not likely; for by that time I should have every organ replaced. And now that they’re doing facial transplants, I should look rather young for a centenarian. Best of all, I’ll be able to get my fellow citizens — which is to say, that ever-shrinking percentage of worker-taxpayers —to pay for all of that “body work!” Rather a good start for a future president; don’t you think?
With a 47-year head start, I’ll also have the chance to meet just about everyone in the country. And think of the mountain of money I could raise! We all know that money is a BIG factor in campaigns.
With enough money, any candidate can hire a slick image consultant to make the candidate look like the new Messiah. He or she can also buy the most votes; there are always “interest group leaders” and “community activists” who can deliver a barrel-full of votes for the right price.
Hmmm; do we know of anyone like that?
I’ll also have plenty of time to travel to all 50 states and Israel before that 2060 election. (I might even have time to view the ruins in Syria and Iran.)
Best of all, I’ll have plenty of time to choose the ideal running mate at my leisure. For a perfectly balanced ticket, I will need a young, black, Hispanic, Jewish, female, foreign-speaking, disabled lesbian who opposes everything I represent. Forty-seven years might be enough time to find someone like that.
As for my platform, it is this:
• To save money, I will outsource the entire U.S. government. Why not? Our government might as well follow our industries; right? We’ll ship our bureaucrats overseas. Life may not be as nice for them, but at least it will be cheaper. We will also hire mostly foreigners to do the work. (There are actually some people in foreign countries and cultures who still believe in doing an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay.)
Moreover, our citizens are already accustomed to dealing with unknown persons who babble gibberish over the phone. (And sometimes they don’t even speak English.)
• We’ll also outsource our military and intelligence operations. Let’s get foreigners to fight our battles for us; after all, how long have we been fighting their battles for them? Surely they will do it for less.
And when the bodies come home, we won’t have to see them or think about them. Scandals with generals will be some other country’s headache. And problems like “Post-traumatic Stress Disorder” or things comparable to “Gulf War Syndrome” or “Agent Orange sickness” — or whatever other newfangled war-related illnesses pop up in future ages — will be an issue for faraway peoples in faraway lands. Why trouble ourselves?
• As for domestic policy, I will do NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! That way you can be sure that I won’t make a mess of your lives. I will not steal more of your money, impose more silly rules or build up more arrogant and obnoxious bureaucracies that will stick their noses into your lives and try to run them.
Instead, I will look to you — yes, YOU — to take care of yourselves. Why? Because I have confidence in you; that’s why! Yes; I have faith that you can do a better job of running your own lives than I — or even Obama — can.
Indeed, instead of looking to help you, I’ll be looking to YOU to help ME! At 105 years of age, I will surely need it!
Christopher Bachler is a politically incorrect curmudgeon from Media who hopes this article will offend just about everyone.