by Jim Harris
Well, I’m out of rehab (again), and my rash has cleared up, so I think it’s time for another semester of my acclaimed adult education program, The Learning Bush. This time, to ensure quality and keep costs down, I’m teaching all the courses myself. Here’s the list.
• Minimalist dancing: For the rhythmically challenged. You just stand still and move your face.
• Cooking class: We teach you to cook chicken for 30 minutes, depending on how big your breasts are (chicken breasts, that is).
• How to make your own champagne: When you finish the course, you can call yourself a “fizzacist.”
• Build your own drone: Are you feuding with a crazy neighbor? Take this course, and you’ll be able to fly your drone over the neighbor’s yard and take out his tool shed with a pre-emptive Predator missile strike. That ought to quiet things down.
• How to overcome your neuroses: My cousin Tom helps me teach this course. He is an agoraphobic homosexual, so he had a great deal of difficulty coming out of the closet.
• How to overcome youthful mistakes: My own mistakes have helped me teach this course. For example, when I was 17 I got my girlfriend pregnant. I did this by introducing her to a great-looking, charming, athletic stud.
• Learn to know yourself: My dad’s experience helped me with this one. For many years we all thought he was a hunchback, but it turned out he just did not know his suspenders were adjustable.
• How to get the most out of your time: I will admit I am probably not the best person to teach this course. I’m so lazy, I have had a Lazy-Boy chair for three years, and I have not put it together yet.
• How to make people like you: I was inspired to create this course after an incident in a hotel. My wife ordered the complimentary breakfast, and the waiter who came up to the room with a plate of pancakes said, “You have great legs, lady!”
• How to invent something useful: I decided to teach this course after inventing something brilliant of my own. It’s a bacon-flavored condom. It is sheer genius, but I have learned not to put one on when the dog is in the room.
• How to get rid of bedbugs: This one is easy. The way to get rid of bedbugs is to stop sleeping with people you met on Craig’s List.
• How to overcome adversity: My own background comes in really handy here. I was raised by wolves in the forest except for the one year when I studied at the Sorbonne in Paris.
• Learn to heckle: Everyone loves a good heckler. It livens things up. Any brainless bozo can yell, “You suck,” but this course will teach you multi-syllabic zingers like “I heard you wanted to be alone with your thoughts, but they stood you up,” or “I heard you were pulled over by a cop for DUI, and you said to him, ‘Well, I’ve been drunker!’” and “You are so pathetic that when you go to Olive Garden I’ll bet they give you ‘limited’ breadsticks!” or “You’re so short that we can see your shoes on your driver’s license photo!”
• How to avoid trouble with your neighbors: We teach you not to do stupid things like putting a bumper sticker on your car that says “My child is a Taliban honor student!”
And I tell about the guy who fell behind on his rent, so his landlord pulled down his pants and spanked him with a leather belt until he cried — which teaches that you should always read the fine print on your lease agreement.
• How to make it through a bad economy: The economy is still so bad that TV sitcoms are hiring real blondes just to save money on bleach. On the other hand, China has changed its one-child-only policy. Families are now allowed to have a second child — to work the night shift.
• Important questions answered: Finally, you get answers to questions you have often wondered about, like how come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many books is research? Or how come we choose from just two people to be President but from 50 people to be Miss America? Or how come the United Nations is a place where governments who do not allow free speech in their countries demand to be heard?
• Inside country music: We teach students how to play country music songs backwards. If you play them backwards, they all say, “My girlfriend is back; my truck is now running, and my dog is alive.”
OK, I’ve completely run out of ideas, but even if none of these classes interest you, there’s always a chance you might meet someone cute in class, so sign up today.
P.S.: My “Deaf Awareness” course has been postponed because the teacher (myself) has laryngitis.