by Jim Harris
For Eagles fans, this past football season has been about as much fun as flu season. If it were a Broadway play, it would be called “Les Miserables.” The only hopeful spot was the firing of Andy Reid and subsequent hiring of new head coach, Chip Kelly. That seems like a fitting nickname, given that the official snack food of the NFL is the potato chip.
Maybe Chip should hire an assistant coach named “Dip.” Also interviewed for the same head-coaching job were Brian Kelly, Mike McCoy and Mike Nolan. Is it just me, or does that seem like more Irish-Americans than in a Bing Crosby movie? What ever happened to diversity?
Well, at least there’s plenty of diversity in the fan base. Everybody loves football. Not only has it replaced baseball as our national pastime, but a recent poll showed that football is now more popular than guns. And it’s twice as dangerous! Consider this: women are allowed to fight on the front lines in wars, but they’re still not permitted to play football. It’s such a violent sport that the NFL has even proposed placing football players in all public schools to protect in kids and teachers.
As a gift to all the suffering Eagles fans and to the community at large, I will again be hosting a gala open house Super Bowl party in my lavishly appointed garage. Last year almost three people attended, including myself, and this year I expect an even larger crowd, so come early. The door opens at 6 a.m., but I don’t get out of bed until noon, so try to keep the noise down.
As a new feature this year, all of my potential guests must submit to a rigorous background check by answering a series of probing questions, including “Are you crazy?” “Do you plan to kill anyone?” and “What kind of beer did you bring?” As an added safeguard, all my snack foods have been inspected and certified as “Edible” by USDA robots. In addition, my dog Goober knows CPR, and I have several working defibrillators.
Many fun activities are planned. For example, every time one of the on-air announcers says a word beginning with a vowel, we all have to power-chug a coffee can full of corn liquor and punch a hole in the garage door. Biggest hole wins a prize. I’ll also be giving out awards for “Longest Belch,” “Most Awesome Food Stain” and “Most Unusual Tooth.”
And lest folks get the impression that this is just all fun and games, after listening to the game (on radio — I don’t own a TV), we will build a solar-powered house and give it away to the first person we see. How’s that for social consciousness?
I also hired a deaf interpreter for the occasion, but it turned out that she actually WAS deaf, so I’m just going to turn the radio up really loud for those folks with hearing problems. And as a concession to civility, I’m also asking that fans restrict their curse words to “Egad,” “Oy Vey,” “Gee Willikers” and “Land-O-Goshen.”
As for the game itself, I think the teams seem evenly matched. They both have the exact same number of players, and in fact, the two head coaches, Jim and John Harbaugh, are brothers — further evidence of the rather limited gene pool for NFL coaches.
In addition to all the ostentatious dancing by players during the game, there will no doubt also be a lot of dancing at halftime when intergalactic superstar Beyoncé takes the stage to sing.
In case you hadn’t heard, she’s the one who lip-synched the National Anthem at the recent inauguration. That’s OK, I guess, as long as the President didn’t lip-sync his oath of office and Vice-President Biden didn’t lip-sync his “Kick those Republicans!” oath.
So I hope you all can make my party, but just In case you can’t, I’ll be recording the whole event on my cell phone and posting the video on my blog. I will then videotape myself watching the video and post THAT video on another blog, so everyone can share in the fun. Party on, people!