by Jim Harris
There’s certainly no shortage of online analysis concerning President Obama’s election victory. I’ve been sorting through the thousands of blogs, tweets and podcasts, and the most fascinating thing I saw was Donald Trump demanding to see President Obama’s Electoral College records. Trump insists that Obama really flunked out of the Electoral College, but the far-left, ultraliberal mass media (owned by people like Rupert Murdoch) are keeping it a secret.
The next best piece of video I saw was of a young African American woman who was being interviewed just after she had voted. After stating that she had voted for candidates for several important offices, the reporter asked her, “What race were you most interested in?” She replied, “The black race!”
Then there was the interview with the billionaire hotel heiress, Bess Western, who had donated millions of dollars to the Romney campaign. Ms. Western said she felt so bad for Romney that she was going to take him to an Ikea store just so Romney could find out what it’s like to put together a cabinet. She said, “I may even buy him the presidency of the Cayman Islands.”
Ms. Western added angrily, “The American people are idiots! Mitt was far too kind when he said that only 47 percent of them were deadbeats and moochers. Allowing most of them to vote is like having a vegetarian judge a barbecue competition. I think that many Americans in big cities have had a brain-reduction operation, and I’m sick of them saying that billionaires should pay more taxes! Many of us in the upper one percent worked hard to inherit our money. When you’re a fetus, it’s not easy to find a billionaire to give birth to you!
“Next April I think I will claim 47 percent of Americans as dependents on my income tax return. Don’t they realize how bad the economy is under Obama? I just learned that unemployment is way up in China and India, so ever foreigners are losing American jobs! This situation is ‘un-presidented!’ And as far as this gay marriage issue is concerned, it’s ridiculous. Most minority men don’t even support straight marriage!”
Most commentators and so-called pundits have cited three decisive factors that helped Obama win, even though he gave Romney a one-debate head start:
•First, he got strong support from women. You might say that after Hurricane Sandy, Romney was slammed by another “Her-icane” since so many woman voted against him. That’s not surprising, considering those loose-cannon Republicans like Todd Akins in Missouri, who blithely uttered his infamous “legitimate rape” comment on national TV. (After his defeat, Akins allegedly attributed his misogynistic gaffe to the fact that he “didn’t know women could vote.”)
•Secondly, the President won big among young people, whom his campaign targeted early and often with a steady barrage of emails bearing seductive, youth-oriented titles like “Yo, wassup, Dude?” and “How’s it hangin’, Dog?”
•And finally, he won by garnering the lion’s share of the minority vote, which proved to be enough, even though Romney won the majority of the white vote. Experts believe that this demographic trend will continue in future elections, too, since, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, whites are projected to become a racial minority by 2042.
All seriousness aside, that is a scary thought for us paleface folks, and I must bear some of the blame since I have never had two-legged children. I meant to, really. I just forgot. It is sad to think that we will never run things again starting in 2042, but we did have a really great run while it lasted. I have some wonderful memories of the old days — Pat Boone, crew cuts, bobby sox, tuna casserole, “Leave it to Beaver,” “Ozzie and Harriet,” African American maids, and on and on. Maybe I’ll put together a nice scrapbook about white history.
In fact, when I look at those demographic projections, I see that I will be 95 years old in 2042, when the former Caucasian juggernaut finally runs out of gas. If I stay healthy and play my cards right, I could be the individual who actually tips the balance of power. I could personally pass the torch to a new majority of Americans.
I can see it now. There will be an elaborate, televised ceremony down at the Jersey Shore, at the climax of which I’ll hobble up onto the magnificent, glittering stage, feebly sing a few verses of “The Way We Were,” and symbolically transfer the majority mantle to a designated non-white representative. I will then dive into the ocean and attempt to swim back to my ancestral homeland, if I can figure out where that is. You might say that will be a must-sea experience!