by JIM HARRIS
It’s time for the fall semester of my award-winning adult education center, “The Mt. Airy Learning Bush.” All of our courses are designed to meet your special needs, no matter how bizarre your lifestyle. We are also proud to announce that all of our courses are now 75% mold-free, gluten-free and pesticide-free. Here are our courses:
•Understanding a Romney Administration: Just in case Romney becomes the next president, you have to be prepared. For example, under a radical new Romney proposal, you would be allowed to be only 30 percent gay, but for every 10 percent gay over 30, you would have to pay a $1,000 penalty. The money paid in penalties in Mt. Airy and center city alone could close the federal deficit.
•Understanding gerbils: What’s with all that gnawing? Don’t they get dizzy in those wheels? Learn all this and more. Instructor Rod Entwhistle is a licensed animal psychic and editor of the Wall Street Gerbil.
•Introduction to new fall TV shows: The course will cover every new TV show, but there is only enough space here to offer a few teasers: In honor of Mitt Romney, there will be a Mormon version of “The Bachelor,” in which the bachelor gets to marry all 25 of the women; A “reality” show follows New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie around on his daily rounds. In the first episode Christie says that starting next year he will think about whether he will run for president in 2016. Until then he’ll keep thinking about pancakes and Twinkies; In another new show, “Counterfeit Cheapskate,” a lifelong criminal begins passing out counterfeit one-dollar bills. In the first episode, he rips off a dollar store out of three dollars.
•Shop for kid food: Did you know that Toaster Strudel is found in the frozen section? Learn to distinguish between Fruity Choco Bam-Bam Child Pellets and Cocoa Frosted Cinnamon Fruit Lumps. Weigh the benefits of Power Sport Monster Drink vs. Super Vitaminy Shockwave Energy Liquid. Other topics include designer gum, candles inside of candies, and why generic substitutes are unacceptable even when they are the exact same product as the name brand.
•Getting paid to sing. Many ex-business people are now singing on street corners for spare change. What could be easier? Everyone can sing; right? You can’t spit in America without hitting a singer. Just look at all the talent shows on TV. This course will tell you all the great locations in Northwest Philly where you can set up shop and sing. (Here’s a free tip — right outside the “Local” office!)
•Getting paid to STOP singing: This is even easier. You just learn several of the so-called songs playing on top-40 radio today and sing them in a crowded place. Any sane person over the age of 40 will gladly pay you cash money to shut up and go away. Course instructor Reinhardt McFeely started singing at the age of 4 and continued singing every waking moment for the next 17 years until powerful electric shocks were able to make him stop.
•Basic fishing for women: Studies have shown that women fish differently from men. They tend to say things like “Oh, the poor fish” when they see the hooked creature gasping for air. This course will teach women to suppress all those nurturing instincts when dealing with dying animals.
•Practical Spanish: You’ll learn how to say in Spanish (in a very loud voice) “I can’t speak Spanish,” and “For God’s sake, PLEASE speak English!”
•Risqué quilts: Make colorful quilts depicting all manner of naughty behavior, including scenes from the Kama Sutra. Instructor Mary Wood is an erotic seamstress and the author of “Fifty Shades of Whoopee.”
•Learn to fly by flapping your arms: Sooner or later, odds are that someone doing this will actually become airborne, however briefly. If it happens to be you, you’ll go down in history. We had a guy last year who came really close, right before collapsing from exhaustion. Bring a towel and an extra shirt, and prepare for takeoff.
•Yoga with Ernie: Ernie is a very energetic and dynamic instructor who will whip you into shape in just three short weeks.
•Yoga without Ernie: OK, frankly, Ernie is not for everyone. He’s a bit overbearing, he has a strange odor, and then there’s that persistent rumor that he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. We don’t know who will lead this class yet, but we promise it won’t be Ernie.
•Yoga for the stiff and inflexible: If regular yoga is too much of a stretch for you, try this course. You remain still, but your surroundings move. Based on the proven scientific principle of relativity.
•Politics for the stiff and inflexible: Hear only what you want to hear. No compromising or critical thinking required.
•Arcane law: Important legal issues like “What is the maximum height for midgets?” and, “How much hair can you have and still be legally bald?”
All this and more awaits you at the Learning Bush. Due to the great success of our Mt. Airy school, we have recently opened branches in Yemen, Botswana and Antarctica. Tell your friends, but keep in mind that if they take your advice, they may no longer be your friends.