by JIM HARRIS
As the old saying goes, “Politics makes strange bedfellows.” All that may be changing, however, as people are increasingly demanding more personalized, single-minded political parties. Modern voters apparently want to associate only with others who think, feel, act and look just like themselves. Is this a further flowering of American-style democracy or a return to tribalism?
Who knows? Not me. But not being one to miss a good business opportunity, I have started a new company, “Birds of a Feather,” whose sole purpose is to create, organize, fund and populate new political parties representing every possible human, plant and animal interest under the sun.
You will notice that all of the parties we offer have names that rhyme with “tea.” This is a shrewd marketing maneuver designed to capitalize on the name recognition value of the wildly popular Tea Party. So look no more, my friends. The search for your perfect political bedfellows is over. Birds of a Feather will find you a sect you can respect, a clique to fit your shtick and a franchise you can idolize.
For starters, we have the Tee Party (golf nuts), the Tee Hee party (everything’s a joke to them), and the TNT party (they blow stuff up). The Wee Party is convinced that big people are using up all of our air. The He Party thinks that men are superior to women. The She Party believes that men are more devoted to booty than to duty.
Members of the “Don’t Look at Me” party wear full-body burlap sacks with only small slits to see through. Their sartorial opposites, the “I Can’t See” Party people wear nothing but small black strips covering their eyes.
If you’ve been injured by DDT or falling debris, if you suffer from runner’s knee, ADHD, chronic ennui or low vitamin C, operators are standing by right now to assist you. If you consider yourself oppressed, then either the ”Set My People Free” Party or the more vociferous ”Screw Your People; Set MY People Free” Party might be what you’re looking for.
Perhaps you’re a devotee of Kenny G, Sarah Lee, Mickey D, Chef Boyardee, or Nicolas Sarkozy (oui oui), and you’re wondering if there is a party for you. Wonder no more. If your favorite song is “Nearer My God to Thee,” there’s definitely a place for you in the choir.
If you’re looking for a party that does absolutely nothing, then either the “Absentee,” “C’est la Vie, or “Let it be” Party will be your cup of tea. If you take LSD, wear a goatee, smell like potpourri, have ESP, are into joie de vie and reverie, we can turn you on, ba-by.
If you own an SUV, a 3-D TV or are a member of the Bourgeoisie, relax! We’ve got your back. If you are a refugee, referee, retiree, Ph.D, maitre d’, Grammy nominee or wannabe; if you wear a size triple-E or 38-D; if you were born in Memphis, Tennessee; Washington, D.C., or a year that ends with “3,” no prob, Bob.
In fact, you don’t even have to be human. If you’re a flea, bee, tree, manatee, chickadee or chimpanzee, we’ve got a party that will match your DNA exactly.
Even the original Tea party has now splintered into the Black, White and Green Tea Parties. It seems like the only kind of “Tea” not represented in American politics today is “uni-ty.” Until that time comes along, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.